“Don’t look at me…

look at you. Until you find the divine within you will never see it in others. The divine is in us all.” But wait, I understand your skepticism. I too, have doubted and even mocked those who believe as I do now.

This story is a part of my pilgrimage of self discovery. The requisite despair that leads to surrender must be encountered and survived. I never could have without Papa’s hand on my shoulder and even at times He was carrying me like a baby in His arms.

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The tale is as old as story telling, you see there was this girl…need I say more? Oh? I will say a bit more she told me she loved me and as the story goes, I found it to be untrue

so what to do? some may like to drown in sorrow, I made a decision though and chose to seek within. I recommend not going alone, a journey into the unknown is scary, however, rewarding!

Sunrise

What I found there was His love for me, which gave me an example, the courage and belief to love myself. Having found that inside, I see it everywhere and in everything. In fact I understand that to allow others to mistake my kindness for weakness is really only harmful to them so that will be arrested as soon as it’s discovered.

So I can forgive the atrocious acts of troubled, lonely, power-hungry souls who’ve lost their way. They merely think they’re winning in this realm of time and miss the opportunity to experience truth and love in the eternal

 

Are you so certain?

I for one can admit that I am not. I would, however, like to be free to disagree and to offer an alternative idea, one perhaps that is ancient. Truth doesn’t change, no matter how it is ridiculed as hateful or simplistic. I am flawed and prone to mistakes, how else am I to learn?

I feel we all must be allowed to have the truth revealed to us that way. In our own time, which is wildly different for each one of us. Instead of an overbearing group of power-mad supposed representatives that are certain of what is best for the common good, and coerces me to act in a way defined by them. From my experience, the common good is best served by me acting for my own benefit through the discovery of a better me which has occurred from trial and error.

I am all for taking care of those that truly cannot help themselves. I am opposed to helping others that take advantage of the hard work of productive people in our society, through unaccountable programs created to help but cost more to administer than provide actual help to those that really need it.

Can men and women rule themselves? or must we assimilate into the Borg

 

I understand that is a grotesque oversimplification but is it too far-fetched? I think not. There is a not often revealed downside to collectivism, that being the “leaders” don’t have to do without as the masses must share all of their productivity to the collective. I am of the opinion that the state is subservient to the individual, not the other way around.

I believe that the “news” media have ruined their credibility, and it has become dependent on the audience they are preaching to. It is all agenda driven and we’ve been divided into extreme constituencies that are far from real. One must really dig to find the truth and may never find it. What if the masses realized that they could do more without the interference of the government. Then the politicians and corrupt media would become irrelevant, which is precisely why people are losing their minds. I am content to be uncertain and irrelevant so I am a threat to the collective.

Turn away from what you are rushing towards, embrace that which you are running from-Yourself

Oh! And another thing

This may, in fact, be obvious, but it came as a seemingly novel idea to me as I had a vision of myself trying to stuff my beloved into the box of conforming to how I would like my beloved to respond to me. A set of conditions so to speak, that must be adhered to if I am to stay and dole out my particular brand of expression of appreciation.

What of unconditional Love? you ask. Well from my recent experience, while in the process of sorting out how I was feeling trying to be receptive and aware of negative thoughts and emotions allowing them to be and not attempting to change or make a judgment. That went along smoothly for me until I started presenting my case. I had completely forgotten unconditional and felt justified.

As I rattled off my list of demands for the way I insist the way things be, my beloved withdrew, not completely. My beloved seemed to become different, not as open and interactive. My beloved stayed though, continually expressing reassurances of a mutual affection. Something was awry, I could tell, but I knew not what it was.

As the way things go sometimes, it was almost by mistake that I woke up to what I had been doing. I was not allowing my beloved to express love in their own special, very personal way. When I did not accept that and instead pointed to the beautifully wrapped and decorated box I had constructed, and insist that my Beloved get in and conform to that, I changed everything, for the worse.

Let your Love be as it is, let it flow from its source and watch it bloom into a magnificent flower

It does take some effort

Do not Dwell therefore!

Upon what you perceive as injustice, it was not inflicted on you. Nor suffer from projecting what will be, depending on how your are situated, it is overly fantastic or excruciatingly painful.

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Now you have the choice to gather from where your inspiration is derived. Cast aside and forgive, make a clean break. For what you do Now will create an entirely more perfect or disastrous future. You decide, no one else does unless you allow it

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Go! do! be!

Refine to Purity

Mad desire for Desire and the Water of Life makes Love inflame
A thousand thousand fires and furnaces every second.

Rumi

As my intention to serve G_d’s creatures and therefore Him grows. I am set upon a path of improving myself. Through trial and error, sorrow and joy, madness and serenity.

To experience fully and actively all that this existence offers. I hope for the days when at ultimate peace praising Him that I want of nothing more than to please my Beloved.

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As awareness sharpens and failures and faults are exposed, I volunteer to enter the Refining Furnace of Love,  and that all the slag rises and is discarded leaving the purest of Love a human is capable of giving.

Burn Baby Burn

Do you know the difference?

I had the opportunity today to encounter the Yellow Jacket Wasp

WTFAI

Allow me to introduce you to the Yellow Jacket Wasp.

Profanity Warning!

These little bastards are fucking mean! They are considered to be beneficial because they eat other insects like mosquitoes, apids and the like. I have become acquainted with them, quite painfully 6 times in the past week.

Yellow Jacket

They will defend the colony very aggressively. A giant, pushing/chasing a lawnmower over the nest is to be attacked mercilessly. The sting is painful initially leaving a sharp ache the rest of the day.

Ground-nesting insects

When the ache subsides, what you are left with is not unlike a large mosquito bite that itches for a week or more. I am amazed at the tenacity and courage of these little fuckers. Imagine giving your life trying to kill a creature several thousand times your size to defend the queen and her brood.

What I have learned.

1. They only nest annually
2. Only…

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This is It!

I have often wondered, what is God’s will for me? Over my nearly 30 years in actually seeking recovery from addiction, my conclusion has evolved over time but becoming present in this moment has to be the illuminating factor. It’s happening right now.

Yep, this is indeed it. As depressing or exhilarating as that seems, it is what it is, so I may as well choose to be grateful for it.  I have been confusing needing (craving) something other than what is, with merely being satisfied with the actual truth of the matter. It may not be what I want but without a doubt is exactly what I need from a learning and growing perspective.

What to do now, my initial urge is to withdraw into solitude. As appealing as that sounds, there seems to be a more open and balanced approach beckoning. Keep lines of communication open. remain open to honest heartfelt criticism, and expand my horizons here with a new commitment to contributing more regularly.

Here’s a question to ponder. Can an English speaking Christain, learn Hebrew and Arabic/Farsi and convert to Judaism and Islam simultaneously?

Bonus Musical selection