As I am continuing down this path to better serve God’s will and my dedication to serving my fellows. I find in self examination, that I am confronted with a question, what is it I hope to gain or lose. Is it a feeling of being superior in my spiritual fitness? Maybe to be relieved from the remorse of the wretchedness I deeply feel from honest reflection in just being human.
Finding myself completely baffled at my ineptitude, I find some relief that this is in-fact a fortuitous starting point. To be absolutely empty and impotent to affect change upon how I naturally am. To enter into utter obscurity and a “Dark Night” in relation to my faith and my very being isn’t so much frightening as it is confounding.
It is here where I recollect the disconcerting, yet comforting unfathomable and pure mystery of entering into communion with Jesus and the Gift of The Holy Spirit. Participating in services, praying, reading scripture, all are indications or pointers to but not quite complete representations of the miracle that takes place within.
Any idea I have or concept that has been presented to me in my endeavor to find what “it is all about” leads to the same error which is I am finding “our faulty nature”. I am going out on a limb here but I count you all as fellow travelers and seekers of Truth and reason in these tumultuous times. The only thing that seems to work for me is a reverent observation of what is happening outside. The sky, the things growing and the creatures attending to their assigned roles.
I still have no idea what my role here is. I want terribly to help but find I make poor decisions when I want anything too much.
I need God’s help in attaining true humility as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, responding with love and kindness to all I am presented with and bear in mind that it is His will not mine.
The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it – Flannery O’Connor Positively Purging-I welcome your feedbacks in the comments and …Truth
lol; I couldn’t resist or think of anything else. In continuation of my previous entry Here I go I am relating my journey of self discovery as it relates to strengthening/nurturing the evolution of my faith. It occurs to me now that, understanding, acknowledging and admitting that my faith is in continuous need of attention, is fortuitous.
So the best place to continue for me is where I am. In the midst of a global pandemic that has morphed into, with the seasoning of the worst of human frailty and wretched behavior and an epic presidential election pending, quite a spectacular event to spectate or get involved in.
Being that my blog is primarily recovery related, I deem the events of the “world” as outside issues. Keeping with the tradition of staying sober and helping others recover. The issue at the forefront of my mind at this time considering all we’re dealing with is, that one on one in person conversation is where we can connect most effectively. We can see into each others eyes hear the inflection of their voice and observe body language to reveal true authenticity as it relates to how we can help one another.
Overcoming the inherent self doubt in all of us, which manifests itself in selfish greedy self preservation, which leads to a myriad of destructive behavior, relief from which is only possible in redemption from our natural self, is only possible if there is value found in that principle. If one finds value in that and knows how perfectly flawed we all are a solution can be arrived at only with God’s help.
Everything is as it should be! His will not mine be done. In next the installment I will delve into The Word taking up residence in my heart in response to my invitation that actually was guided by the Holy Spirit’s intervention.
I intend to unwrap my faith and expose that which is eternal.
I am embarking on a treacherous journey of sorts. I am delving into my long-held beliefs and frail faith to discover my true self. That one that is in me and in Him. I am inviting all to share in this adventure that you might also question everything, scrape, prod, rip open and take apart the conceptions and ideas that inhibit our evolution to realizing our inheritance.
Upon closer examination I find common hypocrisy, prompted by the crowd to respond with slogans and cliche’s without thinking. Everything upon which I have relied is suddenly revealed to be a mere reflection of what I have found comforting to my ego. If I am to uncover my truest self all these ideas, preconceptions and formulas have to be incinerated by the flames of Love.
My current endeavor is to bring God’s love into everything I do, every moment. Quite a simple thing to aspire to, but quite another, in its execution. Are not the simplest things more complicated than one originally thought?
This might be self evident, but I first must realize, acknowledge and admit, that I don’t know jack. I am completely inept at at solving anything, when it comes to my self. I must have His help. I have to submit myself to Him, without reservation. Upon setting foot on this path I will be still allowed free will, but as I do me, I will be confronted with my frailties. I will resist, rationalize and justify. All of which indicate where I am deluded. He is a jealous and merciful God.
Upon honest refection of my being, I am appalled at what I find, What of any love do I deserve? Hallelujah! I have been blessed with the greatest gift, that of enough curiosity and willingness to listen and read of the greatest divine sacrifice. I am deemed worthy of the ultimate Love. I only need to ask, and in so doing, I have exhibited Faith, nothing more is needed to receive. There is a bit of a catch, He wants me to seek Him only in all my doings. Being human with a myriad of selfish desires I chase and grasp after things I think will satisfy, these seeming insatiable cravings, and when I do go after them without discernment, I get smacked down, disappointed and left wanting. I then am again desperate, confused and left wondering why I have been allowed to forget the Love that is merely a breath away. (Jealous) Immediately I am forgiven and realize I have been taught. His Love and acceptance are eternal. (Merciful)
This is turning out to be a little more involved than I initially envisioned, I will break it up. Until then All Is Well in His Care
So I’ll not attempt to explain, that which cannot be expressed in words. I am content to rest in the soothing way Thomas Merton expresses what is indeed overcoming me.
Lux in tenebris lucet et tenebrae eam non comprehenderunt. (The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not understood it.)
“If nothing that can be seen can either be God or represent Him to us as He is, then to find God we must pass beyond everything that can be seen and enter into darkness. Since nothing that can be heard is God, to find Him we must enter into silence.
Since God cannot be imagined, anything our imagination tells us about Him is ultimately misleading and therefor we cannot know Him as He really is unless we pass beyond everything that can be imagined and enter into an obscurity without images and without the likeness of any created thing.”
With devotional practice and following in the footsteps of those I admire something happens.
“Making the simple act of submission to the authority of God, I receive the gift of an interior light that is so simple that it baffles description and so pure that it would be coarse to call is an experience. But it is a true light, perfecting the intellect of man with a perfection far beyond knowledge.”
So to be calm, resolute in stillness appreciating what I can see and what I have experienced, being kind and helpful (if possible) to all I encounter, and forgiving those who are lost in hatred and poisoned by a vindictive heart, and also admitting that I am flawed. I am liberated into a Perfect Peace that Doesn’t make any sense.
I am a little embarrassed and humbled to appeal for assistance covering impending medical expenses. I have initiated a GoFundMe campaign
I will be joining neighbors this evening at a nearby park to discuss ways we can help each other and law enforcement keep our streets safe.
It is my contention that we all share in the responsibility for things devolving to the sad state we’re now in. We have been divided into tribal groups which have dehumanized the opposition. The media is helping to fuel the fire in the resulting chasm that separates us. When if we actually encountered each other face to face more often we could overlook, accept, understand and even have compassion each other’s positions on ways to achieve our most cherished objectives to take care of each other.
Share what you can offer freely and do so quietly and pass it on. Any surplus will be donated to the assisting of those suffering from the ravages of addiction seeking treatment.
I can claim no virtue, I am a frightened selfish wretched creature. We all bear The Mark of Cain. I am no better or worse than George Floyd or Derek Chauvin, to claim so is folly and denial of my humanity.
Joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin. Peace and Violence are with us and will be until the Lion lays down with the lamb.
Start here and now to be better, we are responsible for placing those who appall us into power. Don’t fall into the trap of what is popular, the abyss is not far off
All is as it should be.
It is overcome by the Grace of His Love or projected onto others