What is wrong with this picture?

What was I thinking? I’m talking about the blatant disregard for my own and others safety. In the description of what it was like, in my last post, It’s Payday!

Ah the mind of a budding addict. I was craving a feeling of connection. I had a vast hole, or it felt like one, in my being. Something was missing. I used substances to alter my brain and body in order to feel different. The trouble is that I was severely impaired. I could care less about myself or others, while at the same time being quite self-absorbed.

I’m better now thanks to the grace of God and the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous

I have posted this song before but it’s pertinent

“I hope you’re done and not here just to take a break”.

Those were the words of Roger B. at The Retreat in Wayzata The Retreat

His words stuck home with me that day in November 1998. I was done and had finally reached the point where I was “willing to go to any lengths to get it” I had to want to be “done” in order for any of the suggestions proposed by 12 step programs to work in my life.

If I hang on the delusion that someday, I will be able to drink and maybe smoke a little weed and I will not at some point be “on the hunt” for a hit, I am a goner.

It is I am told the great obsession of every addict to be able to use or drink without consequences.

Those days are long past though and I have discovered, that it wasn’t the using that was the problem. I was the problem. I am super sensitive and have chasm within me that is insatiable and drug and alcohol were the only things that dulled that ache. I describe it here The Longing

As long as I think I can use something, somebody, some activity to quell that craving I am a slave in chains to it and will use any means to at least try to calm the desire to feel whole.

Peace be with you! ❤

 

Easier

It was easier for me to continue to be dishonest, deceit had become an ingrained habit and because there was a grain of truth in the story or even once was true, it was more believable than an honest expression of what was.

I couldn’t exist comfortably in who I really was, I had to embellish my existence, then there was a split, the true definition of neurosis

It continued and the lies got more dramatic and I had to cover for the initial withholding, eventually it evolved into psychosis and none but divine intervention saved me.

Who The F%*k am I

Hi how are you?…no! I am serious How are you doing, feeling, etc?  I am interested.

Welcome to my blog. I have invited all to share in my ramblings and musings about my journey of self discovery. At this point, I shall inform you a little, (nearly all) about myself.

I entered this realm in Denver Colorado at the end of the 1950’s. I grew up mostly in southern California (across the orange curtain) Newport and Irvine to be precise. I remember riding my bicycle on I 405 between Culver and Jeffrey before it was finished. I am among a unique demographic that rode the Pink Bus to the beach during summer.

I spent my high school years in rural northern California, Butte County. I cherish those years and feel very fortunate to have been exposed to the business and life of food production. Sadly at this point in my life I felt lacking somehow, I didn’t know it at the time but as I look back, I know it to be true. My response to that was drinking and smoking weed, to alleviate my perceived inadequacy.

The consequences of the use of substances, was not getting enough credits to graduate high school with my class. Now what? Let’s move! Ha ha! The geographic solution, often attempted, never really works. But I digress lol

I moved back to southern California to live with my dad, who has traveled the world as a mining engineer. He got me a job in the factory that built the rock bits, that he helped design. …This is going on way too long

Let’s see if I can pick up the pace here. Keeping in mind that my addiction continues to progress with brief interruptions, in the form of crisis, moving, general chaos and running out of money. Bought and crashed a new car, lost my job, started in the hospitality field as bellman and busboy, my car got repossessed, gained and lost love and reached the end of any good will left from my family due to abusing their generosity, without any gratitude.

I joined the navy during peacetime in 1980 and managed to get discharged under less than honorable conditions. Upon leaving service, I was graciously offered a position as a hand on my step fathers, soon to be acquired cattle ranch in central Nevada. It was a 2,500 cow operation with 5,000 acres and permits for grazing on 25,000 acres of Federal Government land. I spent a day helping feed the cows, we started before dawn and didn’t finish until after dark. I was smoking weed the entire time. The deal on that ranch fell through and My step dad felt obligated to do something so He allowed me to stay on another ranch he had in Oregon.

While there I got my girlfriend pregnant twice, witnessed and experienced the trauma of terminating those. Bought an ATV wrecked it got another one and nearly killed myself and a neighbor’s son wrecking that one.

Moved back to the Sacramento area where my family lived and started back in the restaurant business, busing and waiting tables. I decided to venture into the back of the house and found a place where my people dwell and thrive. I got help to go to Culinary School and nearly made it through that program before I screwed that up. I did manage to learn quite a bit and was doing well with a job in the restaurant where I was doing an internship with a pastry chef.

The details of what and how much I used are, in my opinion irrelevant. From the stories I have heard at meetings, It all leads back to The Longing . The reason I used drugs, which led to the most severe consequences, but also using people and things to help me feel okay. Wow okay here is where Happy New Year? is inserted

They told me not to smoke crack and now I live in Minnesota..No place I’d rather be.

July 24 1994 I arrived at MSP Minneapolis/Saint Paul International Airport. I was met by a fellow from Hazelden and I was going to find my bride in treatment, Oh my F’n God what a sick puppy I was, I really thought that…She could relate to my plight and I to her’s There’s a reason we’re told not to enter into any kind of loving relationship within the first year of continuous sobriety. One just does not have the emotional maturity to deal with those feelings and it just ends up being another addiction. I recommend more than 18 Months or better yet don’t do it until you don’t want to.

I struggled a bit early on and relapsed a couple times then gained about 2 years of continuous clean/sobriety. During that time I was introduced to meditation and learned about not being attached to results. It was about this time that I started to work in the front of the house of a restaurant in Minneapolis. That is when I began to think I could just drink and maybe smoke a little herb and not have any problems. I am just now realizing that the issue of my separation from my true eternal self  was driving me to seek fulfillment with and from the people I was cavorting with. I was of course disappointed, leading to discomfort /pain to the degree that only using could give me relief.

I was off again to the dope man. I was on a binge that lasted a few months, which landed me back into inpatient treatment at Hazelden. I emerged fairly humiliated and dejected. I wasn’t done. I had to go out one more time briefly when, at that time a new model of treatment had been introduced by some fellows I had met in meetings.

The Retreat in Wayzata  http://www.theretreat.org/  that uses the “Big Book” Alcoholics Anonymous as the guide by having residents work through the twelve steps just as the first 100 alcoholics did.

This worked I have been clean/sober ever since. This is only a prelude to my actual “awakening” I ambled along mostly unaware and using the principles I had been taught to stay sober and mostly spiritually fit. The key being is that I remained sober.

That is what is was like and what happened.

I got married fathered 2 daughters and still made several poor decisions that lead to my getting divorced. Follow my updates to learn more if you like