There comes a time

To say Goodbye. The most intimate relationship of the human experience is the Mother/child. To experience the severance of that in the expiration of the physical body is in my humble experience, one of the greatest opportunities for personal growth, however, fraught with the full spectrum of emotion. Even with the benefit of advanced notice and preparation its’ impossible to anticipate how it will be responded to.

So now what? As I see and perceive the impact writing seems the natural thing to do. I can’t. Time to process and digest what has happened. The source that brought me into this world is gone now. I was her first. A celebration of her presence and impact will ensue, along with the tedious details that accompany the passing of loved ones.

It seems and everyone has said that she waited to let go until I arrived. Friday I arrived and came to her bed, clearly not comfortable she saw me and smiled and said “you made it”. My niece who has been giving care took leave to get some nourishment. I sat with her (Nana-Nancy), she wanted to go downstairs but could not move. I helped her to the edge of the bed where she attempted to stand several times and could not. There I held her and she fell asleep, which she had not done since 3 AM the morning before. It was then I accepted what was to come today.

Family and close friends were here over the weekend and paid their respects and we shared in camaraderie near the end. It was quite an occasion all day Saturday and night. She left us 1:50 Pacific time today. Remember those you care for and make sure they know you care. Goodbye Nana, I love you

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Night Falls

And the sun rises, such is our term here in this realm. Everybody will, at some time face the inevitable demise of a parent’s physical body. I have embraced and befriended the end of the life of my body and the death of loved ones. I seem to have been plagued or blessed with a unique take. I’m not sorry or sad.

It has come time for my mother to take her turn at the end of this life. I will be fortunate to be able to see her and be of service to her as her body and capacity fails to continue.

I will celebrate her life and make sure she knows the unfathomable impact she has made on me and the world through me. Life goes on.

Life goes on

She has instilled in me a positive attitude. I see the beauty, the possibilities, the love and opportunity in nearly every situation. She gave that to me and I can only wish to pass it on to everyone I encounter. Especially to my children.

I'm lucky
Emma and I

I am lucky to have healthy kids, it is also not lost on me that not everyone does and I’ll not take it for granted. I am the bow from which these are shot out into life to which they belong.

It’s also important to me to keep it light and maintain a sense of humor as The Mighty Jester is quite hilarious in His ways

keep it light

would give them chocolate covered espresso beans lol

I will be traveling to see her at the end of this week, please don’t be sorry I am not

We cannot fear that which we do not know, we only fear to lose what we know. I’m not losing anything. she has given me so much that I can’t comprehend what might be lost except her temporary presence here. She will always be with me.

What I aspire to…

“A person who cares nothing for praise or blame knows great inward peace….Praise does not make you holier than you are, nor blame more wicked. You are exactly what you are, and cannot ever be any better or worse than that, in the eyes of God. Attend to what is really within you, then, and you will not care what others say of you. People look at externals, but God looks at the heart. They weigh actions; God knows your intent….To feel no need of human support and assurance is a mark of inward confidence – of those who truly walk with God in their hearts.”- Thomas À Kempis

I know it is nearly impossible to imagine, however, it’s like another quote I like to refer to “It’s better to aim for the stars and land on the moon than to aim for a mud puddle and hit it.”

wild yellow
wild yellow

Wishing all a blessed day and that your’s shall be just as it should.

An Apparition

A mirage of sorts, though it can’t be seen or even concretely described. I know it, feel it and can almost taste it. When I can capture it and possess it for my own, I will finally feel relieved of this wretched craving. Therein lies my affliction. Reliance on created things for solace.

As soon as the slightest acknowledgment of my existence is perceived the twinge of hunger evolves into an insatiable need. It must fill me up. I know well the error of my ways. I consistently regularly want what I ultimately can never have. As much as I chase cajole attempt to persuade bribe or buy and as close as I think I might be to quelling this thirst the object of my desire vanishes, evaporates turns to dust, or realizes the futility of my endeavor and erects a barricade of silence which I dare not penetrate.

I correctly assign the blame squarely where it belongs, right here with me. Things money, status, the adulation and “love” from beings will always disappoint and it’s not their fault. I have established an impossible feat for them to achieve. Being highly sensitive the initial sensation that touches is exhilarating and is what leads me to abandon any sense I might have ever had.

The solution though is readily available and inexhaustible. It is of course “The Source” God, Abba, Yahweh, Allah, it is the same in whatever language, culture, the religion where the gift of your faith abides. It is our essence It is eternal. I must only stop, thinking, doing, striving, and most of all grasping, wishing to possess. That is all “the world” The eternal is within me and around me, apart of me and I a part of it.

As long as I continue to “use” the urges will never subside and the onset of withdrawal starts as soon as I try to quit. Resistance is futile and surrender is the highest and best option. I don’t want to, and so it goes.

Please Help Me, I am nothing without You

May your day be as it should.

 

It is possible!

However hard it may be to fathom, one thing I must do above all else is to wholeheartedly accept what is. Eliminating or changing unhealthy ideas, behaviors or situations from my life are other options, but. I must accept that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be at this moment.

this won't last

As soon as I can embrace this acceptance the natural flow of constant change allows natural joy to permeate my being.

 

over the falls
Another season

Suffering is derived from resistance to what is.

ACE

Until then may your day be as it should be.

Collaboration at its finest

It’s a Miracle

Have you ever considered how our eyes work? I have been. Light reflected from whatever we are looking at enters, to be interpreted and categorized that ultimately elicits a response within. This post relates closely to the previous Aprehensive

I am in awe and embrace the wonder and mystery of what I consume through my eyes. What I read, symbols arranged in a way that I have been taught to mean certain ideas, concepts, etc. Then are further digested through the prism of my conditioning, preferences, and experience.

Then introduce mindfulness to contemplate my response to these things I am looking at, as an impartial observer of myself.

age of yearning

Am I awake, does it matter, should I care?

It all certainly, in my soul feels like it could not have happened by chance.

How it is all attributed and used to influence are astounding.

Feeling blessed and at peace, which is not the result of my natural self’s mechanisms

What say you?

Everything is sacred

From my perspective, I see that it is true. From the contrast of a crow in the snow. to the ingenuity of humanity to create and express, lends to us all a richness that, if one is still and aware, provides meaning to life.

I love trains

 

One of my favorite things to do to provide nutrition to my soul is to visit The Minneapolis Institute of Art. It is free except for parking. I particularly am attracted to sculpture.

entering

Here are a few that caught my eye during a recent visit.

Borius

abducting

 

From the eyes through the heart to the hands we all have the treasures left to “lose our selves and find ourselves at once” appreciating the creations of others.

Some paintings caught my attention as well. These and many more were ingested as a supplement for a healthier coexistence.

 

 

Doing this is a gift to myself and to all I encounter and beyond radiating love and appreciation for life as it is and has always been.

There is a sacred beauty in everything if you are quiet enough to apprehend it. May your life today be, as it should. You have a choice.

Close your eyes and allow the music to transport you. New music