Night Falls

And the sun rises, such is our term here in this realm. Everybody will, at some time face the inevitable demise of a parent’s physical body. I have embraced and befriended the end of the life of my body and the death of loved ones. I seem to have been plagued or blessed with a unique take. I’m not sorry or sad.

It has come time for my mother to take her turn at the end of this life. I will be fortunate to be able to see her and be of service to her as her body and capacity fails to continue.

I will celebrate her life and make sure she knows the unfathomable impact she has made on me and the world through me. Life goes on.

Life goes on

She has instilled in me a positive attitude. I see the beauty, the possibilities, the love and opportunity in nearly every situation. She gave that to me and I can only wish to pass it on to everyone I encounter. Especially to my children.

I'm lucky
Emma and I

I am lucky to have healthy kids, it is also not lost on me that not everyone does and I’ll not take it for granted. I am the bow from which these are shot out into life to which they belong.

It’s also important to me to keep it light and maintain a sense of humor as The Mighty Jester is quite hilarious in His ways

keep it light

would give them chocolate covered espresso beans lol

I will be traveling to see her at the end of this week, please don’t be sorry I am not

We cannot fear that which we do not know, we only fear to lose what we know. I’m not losing anything. she has given me so much that I can’t comprehend what might be lost except her temporary presence here. She will always be with me.

We’re not meant to do this Alone

We need to share our struggles and triumphs with others and participate in theirs. Contact with fellow sufferers in this realm is imperative, without human contact we wither and fade away.  I’m not suggesting that everyone needs the same amount by any means. It must be reciprocal though. I need to allow people to really know me, especially the worst of what I find in my observation of my self and my thinking. There is a great liberation in admitting to another your faults and listening to their feedback. When I admit the worst I can be I am free to act differently. That which we deny or fight is given power in our psyches. The result is any number of destructive behaviors.

Save you

My greatest enemy is myself alone with my fears. Which is, what I have come to learn, my resistance to what is and my consistent regret of the past and my stewing about the future. Now is where it’s at. There is no problem now, only opportunity. I can discern with assistance of others the appropriate responses to the needs at hand. The best option nearly always is getting out of my “Shit Stew” and find someone less fortunate than I that I can share what I have with. Helping others is the answer. I am provided for by the collective consciousness/God if you please. If I am generous with my attention life/the universe will manifest exactly what I need.

mother

I have found that what I was afraid to tell others about myself led to admiration and connection not ridicule and avoidance. These people opened up their lives to me and we share in this glorious life here together.

May it be as it should

I love!

Ineptitude

Today I was prompted by a new author I follow by his post A lonely thing- Quotes of the King

The take away for me was that I have manifested “ghosts and monsters” in my own persona from my resistance to serious consideration of my own ineptitude in relation to my creator Yahweh. To say it is uncomfortable to consider one’s flawed perfection severely understates the human condition.

Today we celebrate!

 

Death could not contain Him so we color eggs and discount what the real meaning is. This is, in my opinion, another example of avoidance of our true nature, inescapably human. I am relieved of my affliction through the admission of my sin (imperfection) and turning to Him as an example, through his teachings. From there the truly miraculous occurs. I begin to live a life free from regret, I can forgive, be generous without consideration of “what’s in it for me?” and gain tremendous gratitude for what I have, which is provided, I can proceed anxiety free believing that my needs will be provided for.

 

Just as the Flowers are beautifully arrayed and the birds don’t stockpile for another day, neither should I. Matthew 6:25-34 & Luke 12:22-32

God Bless you and thank you!

I will Abide

“…you see, my desire for you is relentless and consumes me much of the time.

 I know not of what fills your day and the mystery only fuels my passion. The fact is, that I refrain from pestering you constantly, as I’m sure you have a full life as any person would,  may or may not be of any interest to you. The fact remains that I torture myself for you.”
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“if God and the relationship to God are left out, then this is not love, but a mutual and enchanting illusion. For only in love for God can one love in truth. To help another human being to love God is to love another person. And to be helped by another human being to love God is to be loved.” Soren Kierkegaard Provocations
peoney wet
touched by the rain
 “…You see because of where we are and what we’re each up to and my wanting you too much, and your human inadequacies and mine I am left only to seek that which is eternal when I want badly to gain from you which you can’t possibly provide. You help me to love God and in turn am being loved by you…”
“…I know it’s deep and may not have ever occurred to you or even is remotely comfortable for you to consider…”
soren-kierkegaard-watercolor-portrait-fabrizio-cassetta
Kierkegaard Painting – Soren Kierkegaard – Watercolor Portrait by Fabrizio Cassetta
 “But the one who loves says: I abide. Put the past out of the way; drown it in the forgiveness of the eternal by abiding in Love. Then the end is the beginning and there is no Break.” Soren Kierkegaard
…In love, your love J.”

Great, so now what?

I have acknowledged my error in perception, forgiven the “perpetrator”, asked forgiveness and expressed an interest in making up for the infraction. My question is now what?

Well for starters, I can return to what is. That which is available right now always has been and always will be. I have to admit though it is not as easy as it might sound. My mind (Ego) keeps thinking and restlessness ensues. Constantly searching for the next big thing, a thrill, some form of satisfaction from out there, all the while, “it’s an Inside Job”

Featured Image -- 4574

Bringing my attention back to my body and where and when I am. It’s like a broken or scratched record. To break the habit of dwelling in my thoughts and the particular appetites that I want to feed, in lieu of residing in my being.

  1. Recognize and acknowledge what I am grateful for.
  2. Let those who matter, know that I appreciate them, no matter what I think they think.
  3. Be quiet and still for my own benefit. “put the oxygen mask on first, before helping others with theirs”
  4. Praise and thank God for all the blessings, strength and forgiveness He has given.
  5. Go in Peace

This is another repeat track but is so relevant, from the album title and song to the music Thank you, I will always love you

I am so Sorry

To who am I speaking? Myself I guess, or to the one to whom I assigned the impossible task to relieve my insatiable appetite. This is an extension to or an update to When Enough isn’t

I  have just recently arrived at the notion that, what I really am after is not what is consuming my thinking mind’s desire. I know from experience that, as soon as my objective is achieved the result will disappoint or the feeling I hoped would be captured does not occur. What I really want is the relief, from the craving, inner peas…lol  I do make an error in what I think will quell the desire.

pexels-photo-255469.jpeg

My ego insists that I must have what can never ultimately be possessed. Is it ironic that ego (self) and wanting to possess (covet) are features of human nature we are told to turn away from?

The anticipation is what I am addicted to. The projected outcome, which never happens, is that which consumes me.

corrosive

It is truly corrosive to my peas. So, please accept my apology. I cannot say that it will never happen again, because I am, after all, Human

2 musical selections today

Refuse

ref·use1
rəˈfyo͞oz/
verb
verb: refuse; 3rd person present: refuses; past tense: refused; past participle: refused; gerund or present participle: refusing
  1. indicate or show that one is not willing to do something.
    no
ref·use2
ˈrefˌyo͞os/
  1. noun
    noun: refuse
    matter thrown away or rejected as worthless; trash.

    Trash awaits collection during a community trash collection event along the Santa Cruz River in Rio Rico

     

    I ❤ words

    images courtesy of the goog

     

     

     

It’s not For Sale

As much as it may seem or as much as I pretend to have gained through the ravages of active addiction and the process of recovering from it. I still feel like a pathetic fool and a fraud. There is something below in my psyche that tells me I have a price to pay and must suffer humiliating groveling for attention. That I don’t deserve to be treated better.

I have only experienced glimpses of peace, the kind that can neither be bought, sold or bargained for. I know what I should do but simply don’t. Holding out hope that things will change and it will all fall together blissfully.

Lord, I pray now that you strengthen the frail faith that I might truly rely on You wholly

 

soaring
Soaring

I was blessed with a gift this afternoon. I was witness to this glorious creature providing for itself. Gliding ever so gently circling down toward the river’s surface and finally grabbing a meal like the fish just swam intentionally to become dinner.

I tried to capture the event but somethings are not meant to be and become treasured events that represent a turning point. The eagle does not worry about what it has done or what it deserves. He is merely provided for through being what he/she is.

A little while later I discovered this pair in an urban neighborhood proximate to the river. Moments like these make me realize how small I am in the greater scheme of things and that a smile and a kind gesture will go farther than any complaints I might have.

I know I’ve featured this one before but it is touching me now

Let the music here touch your soul

 

 

It is possible!

However hard it may be to fathom, one thing I must do above all else is to wholeheartedly accept what is. Eliminating or changing unhealthy ideas, behaviors or situations from my life are other options, but. I must accept that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be at this moment.

this won't last

As soon as I can embrace this acceptance the natural flow of constant change allows natural joy to permeate my being.

 

over the falls
Another season

Suffering is derived from resistance to what is.

ACE

Until then may your day be as it should be.

Collaboration at its finest

It’s a Miracle

Have you ever considered how our eyes work? I have been. Light reflected from whatever we are looking at enters, to be interpreted and categorized that ultimately elicits a response within. This post relates closely to the previous Aprehensive

I am in awe and embrace the wonder and mystery of what I consume through my eyes. What I read, symbols arranged in a way that I have been taught to mean certain ideas, concepts, etc. Then are further digested through the prism of my conditioning, preferences, and experience.

Then introduce mindfulness to contemplate my response to these things I am looking at, as an impartial observer of myself.

age of yearning

Am I awake, does it matter, should I care?

It all certainly, in my soul feels like it could not have happened by chance.

How it is all attributed and used to influence are astounding.

Feeling blessed and at peace, which is not the result of my natural self’s mechanisms

What say you?