Mad desire for Desire and the Water of Life makes Love inflame
A thousand thousand fires and furnaces every second.
As my intention to serve G_d’s creatures and therefore Him grows. I am set upon a path of improving myself. Through trial and error, sorrow and joy, madness and serenity.
To experience fully and actively all that this existence offers. I hope for the days when at ultimate peace praising Him that I want of nothing more than to please my Beloved.
As awareness sharpens and failures and faults are exposed, I volunteer to enter the Refining Furnace of Love, and that all the slag rises and is discarded leaving the purest of Love a human is capable of giving.
Alas, here I am again, in anguish, insisting that I have things the way I would prefer. I even have the audacity to say this encounter has been blessed, that God approves of me choosing to seek divine Love from unreliable sources.
I do believe in a blessed human love, though I wonder why I’m consistently ignoring what is constantly right there. Perfect understanding, knowledge of all my weakness and limitless care for my well being.
Why must I hunger for something so elusive and prone to typical human frailty? The more it escapes my grasp, the more I crave. Am I addicted to such self-abuse? Evidently, as sad as that is to admit, I must increase my effort to realize His Love for me and to integrate the truth that, that is enough. From there I will begin to love myself enough to abstain from one-sided affairs.
You see I find it too easy to appreciate the obvious reasons to enjoy your company. You’re beautiful in appearance. You’re complimentary to my ego. All very soothing and delightful to experience. What I’m most interested in and perhaps morbidly attracted to are the less appealing aspects of your personality.
This may all sound rather confusing and “what are you talking about?” Well, let’s just say as hard as you try to conceal these traits from me, I discover them. I’ll tell you how. I am interested, therefore I am paying attention. “Love is the quality of attention we pay to things.” J.D. McClatchy on the Contrast and Complementarity of Desire and Love I find it
I recognize myself in those “ugly” characteristics. If I feel like a piece of shit because I treat people I care for poorly, one would think, I could just stop doing that. Woah, not so fast, taking and getting feel really good and I don’t know how to stop. I am however left feeling hungry and worse than I did when I was contorting myself to appeal to your liking, or what I perceived that to be. Always looking for and finding those that admire my acrobatics for a time until they find I’m shvindl, a fraud a fake. And they would be correct. I am empathetic to these acts of self-hatred. I love that about you.
So what are we to do? I seemingly have no control over what I am enamored with for the time being. The only course now is how may we help each other. Surely trying to do this by myself will be a disaster. G_d will help and ultimately is the only source of Love that can remove these cravings and show me the way to divine generosity, by His example. No matter how much I pray for it, He will not just do it. I have to show some initiative. Start giving, helping without my saying to myself hey look at me I’m good. I must do it in praise and gratitude for His Love and Forgiveness of me.
Inside your head, thinking, beliefs and behaviors. This is a perpetual exercise for me so I continue growing. If you’re standing still everything else is passing you by, consequently losing ground. Do you want to be better, have more to contribute? Can you be honest about that? I say YES! Well, then a rigorous self-examination is in order.
What is found there will be of use or is worthy of elimination through admission to one’s self, God and another. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations and thank you! I don’t suggest what anyone should do, I merely tell you what I do. Please continue.
“Repentance must not only have its time but also its time of preparation. And herein lies the need of confession, the holy act that ought to be preceded by preparation. Just as a person changes his/her clothes for a celebration, so a person preparing for confession is inwardly changed. But if in the hour of one has not truly made up his/her mind (decision) he/she is still only distracted. He/she only see his/her faults with half an eye. When he/she talks it’s just talk-not a true confession. The all-knowing One does not get to know something about those who confess, rather those who confess find out something about themselves.” Soren Kierkegaard Provocations.
So this sort of thing seems to be a universal truth, few, however, are fortunate to have experienced enough pain to consider, trying something new/old as it were.
The lamps are different,
But the Light is the same.
So many garish lamps in the dying brain’s lamp-show,
Forget about them.
Concentrate on the essence, concentrate on the Light.
In lucid bliss, calmly smoking off its own holy fire,
The Light streams towards you from all things,
All people, all possible permutations of good, evil, thought, passion.
The lamps are different,
but the Light is the same.
One matter, one energy, one Light, one Light-mind,
Endlessly emanating all things.
One turning and burning diamond,
One, one, one.
Ground yourself, strip yourself down,
To blind loving silence.
Stay there, until you see
You are gazing at the Light
With its own ageless eyes.
The take away for me was that I have manifested “ghosts and monsters” in my own persona from my resistance to serious consideration of my own ineptitude in relation to my creator Yahweh. To say it is uncomfortable to consider one’s flawed perfection severely understates the human condition.
Today we celebrate!
Death could not contain Him so we color eggs and discount what the real meaning is. This is, in my opinion, another example of avoidance of our true nature, inescapably human. I am relieved of my affliction through the admission of my sin (imperfection) and turning to Him as an example, through his teachings. From there the truly miraculous occurs. I begin to live a life free from regret, I can forgive, be generous without consideration of “what’s in it for me?” and gain tremendous gratitude for what I have, which is provided, I can proceed anxiety free believing that my needs will be provided for.
Shhh, Be quiet and very still. It’s there a gnawing ache, scratching from within. A hunger, but that’s not quite it. A Longing, an emptiness, a vast pit of despair. If you’re honest, and I trust, that to be difficult, if not impossible, to admit.
There is, though, a certain freedom in admitting that it is there. I have done the very thing to irradicate this agony. Use of any number of distractions in the form of substance abuse, activity, striving for status and adulation, etc. It all left me hollow and even more desperate. It has become my belief that this is in all of us, placed there by God, that we might seek Him and gain His Peace in the mere seeking.
There is a slight problem though, alone again with my humanity I can’t endure the shame of my imperfection next to His supremacy. I am saved though by Yeshua’s sacrifice. Today we celebrate that event, solemnly, reverently, searching for the release from that fault.
I often eavesdrop to random voices roaming in the air. Some leave bruises on my eyelids due to the frequent wiping of tears. They have a saddening picture. Others stimulate endless smiles. Some would like to remain unidentified. All in all, I love to narrate stories of the sad, happy and mysterious voices.