When you can’t look on the bright side, I’ll sit with you in the dark -Alice in Wonderland

This week a theme has been percolating within me since my last post and the one before that. Things that I’ve read, things I have been thinking about, I know that is a dangerous endeavor, given my thinking problem. I have uncovered something that seems universal.  There is no way I can be of any help if I can’t comprehend what you’re even talking about. In addition, good things grow out of compost.

If I am to help anybody find God I must understand the sinner- God Calling

One thing that had been scratching the inside of my skull was one I heard in A.A. meetings and I found it here.

A drunk fell in a hole and couldn’t get out. A businessman went by. The drunk called out for help. The businessman threw him some money and told him, get yourself a ladder. But the drunk could not find a ladder in this hole he was in.

A doctor walked by. The drunk said, “Help, I can’t get out.” The doctor gave him drugs and said, “Take this, it will relieve the pain.” The drunk said thanks, but when the pills ran out, he was still in the hole.

A renowned psychiatrist rode by and heard the drunks cries for help. He stopped and said, “How did you get there? Were you born there? Were you put there by your parents? Tell me about yourself, it will alleviate your sense of loneliness.” So the drunk talked with him for an hour, then the psychiatrist had to leave, but he said he’d be back next week. The drunk thanked him, but he was still in his hole.

A priest came by and the drunk called for help. The priest gave him a Bible and said I’ll say a prayer for you. He got down on his knees and prayed for the drunk, then left. The drunk was very grateful, he read the Bible, but he was still stuck in that hole.

A recovering alcoholic happened to be passing by. The drunk cried out, “Hey, help me, I’m stuck in this hole.” Right away, the recovering alcoholic jumped in the hole with him. The drunk said, “What are you doing? Now we’re both stuck here.” But the recovering alcoholic said, “It’s okay, I’ve been here before, I know how to get out.”

Taking all of that into account, all of which I, wholeheartedly agree with, I am willing and able to get into the foulest putrid muck of the abyss, with you.

It is a place from which I have emerged, but not without someone who has been there. So the cycle continues, a seemingly catastrophic fracture of psyche takes us to unfamiliar territory, where the solid ground on which I once found firm and reliable is now quicksand. All of the survival mechanisms on which I had relied upon have evaporated. The primary reason, I have found was and continues to be my recent discovery of using things, people, activities to make me feel better. That I was maniacally self-centered and demanding that these things continue to do their magic. They inevitably fail, leaving me in nearly unbearable pain. The only things left are find something more satisfying or surrender.

I ask for help from God, and others who have shared their experience with me, elucidating the familiarity with my dilemma. I can sit in that dark place with you and share without fear and grow.

I don’t have a clue.

I am fascinated with the authority with which many, write, advising the masses of how it is and how it should be. I have come to the conclusion that, in the words of Lao Tzu

“Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know. Close your mouth, block off your senses, blunt your sharpness, untie your knots, soften your glare, settle your dust. This is the primal identity. Be like the Tao. It can’t be approached or withdrawn from, benefited or harmed, honored or brought into disgrace. It gives itself up continually. That is why it endures.”

In my quest to find out about what is beneath the cacophony of seemingly endless wants of my physical person. It has become painfully clear that I really don’t know. From this point, I am in the best attitude to be receptive to novel ideas, novel, at least to me. I am able to listen carefully with interest. I stay inquisitive, the sense of adventure of the ordinary remains alive. I find things fresh and exciting, new discoveries are made and miracles noticed regularly. I am immensely more sensitive and am aware of my simplicity and how far I have come and where I am on this journey. At the beginning.

I love to hear about your, experience with the things you struggle with and are or have overcome. I respect and admire the courage summoned to share your true natures. If I pay attention and care I perceive the authenticity and connect on a psychic level. I then know I mean something and so do you.

So even though I write, I hope to project from the position of a novice, a student, a disciple of what God, the cosmos and all of, creation are so generously teaching.

Unplug, disconnect. Shutting down, now. It’s time.

I have, in the past, shut down, as I like to call it. Every so often I will disable interactive apps on my phone, turn off the computer and live the way many did before the rise of the internet. Days of hand-written letters and cards. Having conversations face to face. Using more primitive ways of finding out about things.

Every time I do, I am better off for it. I become aware of the real value of the use of these “conveniences”. I also recognize how much of a false sense of importance I derive from these activities. I read somewhere that everything works better when you perform a hard reset on your devices.

This will be the first time doing it since I’ve started writing here. I am never sure how long I will remain unplugged, It has been as short as just a few hours and as long as several days. I am not one to put a time -table on it, that way, in my opinion, I don’t clock watch. I am gentle with myself for craving what I get here, it’s all part of the modern life we live and if I am to make any kind of meaningful contribution, I believe it to be necessary to connect quickly and effectively.

The things I will not miss are disingenuous indifference, stinging sarcasm, deliberate avoidance and overall misunderstanding due to distorted perception.

Namaste and peace to you all

Out of the mouth’s of babes

How I treasure the newcomer and hearing and reading about the stories of those still struggling with addiction.

Way back when almost before I could remember, I was told don’t give up before the miracle happens. Bah! I thought, I’ll never get over wanting to be impaired..ALL THE TIME!

Until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, you will be stuck on stupid.

The newcomer is the life-blood of the program.

All of these sayings made little if any sense to me when I was early in recovery. I think I remember having an inkling about them that there was some intuition that made sense. I scoffed them off mostly as just slogans to help make newly sober/clean individuals feel better about being there and appreciated.

I am here to tell you, it is a miracle and it has happened to me. I not only have no desire to use or drink. I have forgotten what it feels like. Reality in all of it’s magnificence is so much more vibrant and well real. I’ll get back to my original point.

Listening to and reading here about the feelings, objections, reluctance, struggles questions and most of all the victorious breakthroughs. The lightbulb coming on. Is exhilarating. The feelings I experience are indescribable. To have the honor to be a witness to a person clawing their way out of the relentless death grip of addiction is an overwhelming joy.

The way this thing works is in my opinion divinely inspired. We come gather go through a, dare I say ritual of sorts, at the beginning of meeting and then depending on the type get on with the format. Ending most often with The Lord’s Prayer.

I hope I am able to give people hope that recovery from addiction and alcoholism is indeed possible and is a riotous fun adventure which should not be missed.

Thank you so much and “Keep Coming Back”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh boy, this is going to hurt.

How much more discomfort will we (society) have to endure, before we are authentically ready to put our differences behind us and find what values we share? A great deal I’m afraid. If my experience with change is any indication, it’s going to hurt quite a bit.

It’s is much more comfortable to be occupied with just barely surviving our hectic life, taking care of all of those commitments we have decided are priorities. I understand, my life is crazy and I have made some horrendous decisions that have put me in a less than preferable, situation at this time. I am confident it will all work out for the best, and hopefully this time I will integrate the lesson.

Things are really getting ominous in the greater world and it seems to me as though, our “leaders” are more concerned with dividing us and keeping their precious positions of power than doing what’s is best for all.

Now that, I am sure, is as diverse as humanity in the minds of many. To me, though, I really believe there is more that we share, even from opposite ends of the political spectrum than that which we might disagree is important. Here is a piece from something I read this morning.

 It is only as we meet and share together person to person, eye to eye, and heart to heart that we discover what it means to be human and to discover the joy of being together, working together towards a common mission of peace and unity. It is only moving from winning and loneliness to collaboration, and from hostility to seeing enemies as friends, that we discover the real meaning of peace.

I can commit myself to all of you that I will do my part and promise you, all of you who are reading this right now and those I encounter on my path. I will listen and relate to you with an open mind to find what we share. I will not attempt to change your mind and I will respect that the way you perceive the world is your reality and likely not the way I see it. I can, however, love you as a fellow human with similar frailties and hardships. We need each other now, more than ever.

 

When Enough isn’t

That which we do to or for others, we inflict or provide to ourselves.

Being generous is, as I have found, quite a pleasant endeavor. As long as I am able to identify and be honest about my expectations. You see, I have a hard time being honest with myself about that. I tend to expect some gratitude and maybe even an offer of a gift in kind. I have to resist this in order to gain the full benefit of unconditional generosity.

If I demand that I get something out of it, I will find myself intensely craving satisfaction. I become greedy. I am filled up when I give freely and want what I have and am grateful for what I have been blessed with.

 

Thank you, Papa, for providing exactly just what I need and for the opportunity to offer what I have to others. Amen

 

 

 

 

Do you Like?

I decided to start sharing on this site, as a creative outlet. I found that I had composed a few ideas that seemed to resonate with more fellow travelers than I expected. Initially, though, the idea was to write a book about who I have become through addiction, recovery, and life on it’s own terms.

Finding WordPress changed that, for now, into a series of blog posts, with similar objectives. In addition, I thought too, that some, if they found it, might be helped. Which is, I have found to be my recently discovered passion. I have learned that I love service to others, in my business (landscape maintenance) and in my endeavor to stay active in recovery from addiction.

Almost immediately, two unexpected dynamics emerged. 1. I want and crave madly for all of you to like my posts. And 2. That in order to develop any kind of following I have to read and respond to other bloggers, which turned out to be as much, if not more work than, formulating, composing, revising, editing any post I might devise.

Further on up the road, I have found that I absolutely love reading all of you whom I follow. I love reading and responding to items of interest. I honestly look forward to more and am, sincerely grateful for all of you, who follow me.