Upon what you perceive as injustice, it was not inflicted on you. Nor suffer from projecting what will be, depending on how your are situated, it is overly fantastic or excruciatingly painful.
Now you have the choice to gather from where your inspiration is derived. Cast aside and forgive, make a clean break. For what you do Now will create an entirely more perfect or disastrous future. You decide, no one else does unless you allow it
Allow me to introduce you to the Yellow Jacket Wasp.
These little bastards are fucking mean! They are considered to be beneficial because they eat other insects like mosquitoes, apids and the like. I have become acquainted with them, quite painfully 6 times in the past week.
They will defend the colony very aggressively. A giant, pushing/chasing a lawnmower over the nest is to be attacked mercilessly. The sting is painful initially leaving a sharp ache the rest of the day.
When the ache subsides, what you are left with is not unlike a large mosquito bite that itches for a week or more. I am amazed at the tenacity and courage of these little fuckers. Imagine giving your life trying to kill a creature several thousand times your size to defend the queen and her brood.
I have often wondered, what is God’s will for me? Over my nearly 30 years in actually seeking recovery from addiction, my conclusion has evolved over time but becoming present in this moment has to be the illuminating factor. It’s happening right now.
Yep, this is indeed it. As depressing or exhilarating as that seems, it is what it is, so I may as well choose to be grateful for it. I have been confusing needing (craving) something other than what is, with merely being satisfied with the actual truth of the matter. It may not be what I want but without a doubt is exactly what I need from a learning and growing perspective.
What to do now, my initial urge is to withdraw into solitude. As appealing as that sounds, there seems to be a more open and balanced approach beckoning. Keep lines of communication open. remain open to honest heartfelt criticism, and expand my horizons here with a new commitment to contributing more regularly.
Here’s a question to ponder. Can an English speaking Christain, learn Hebrew and Arabic/Farsi and convert to Judaism and Islam simultaneously?
Alas, here I am again, in anguish, insisting that I have things the way I would prefer. I even have the audacity to say this encounter has been blessed, that God approves of me choosing to seek divine Love from unreliable sources.
I do believe in a blessed human love, though I wonder why I’m consistently ignoring what is constantly right there. Perfect understanding, knowledge of all my weakness and limitless care for my well being.
Why must I hunger for something so elusive and prone to typical human frailty? The more it escapes my grasp, the more I crave. Am I addicted to such self-abuse? Evidently, as sad as that is to admit, I must increase my effort to realize His Love for me and to integrate the truth that, that is enough. From there I will begin to love myself enough to abstain from one-sided affairs.
Poetry Challenge – Write a poem of no more than 15 lines about “Light and Dark”, that repeats at least two lines of the poem.
Light and dark are opposites in the unseen realm Yet in the dark is where light is found But in light no dark can be found When light is sought dark shadows follow Trying to hold on to the soul’s pain, Its angst, its sorrow, and its lament For dark does not want the soul to be free But to languish in the depths of spiritual death And in this light meets the downtrodden soul Shining upon the captive dark That will always run from the light Because dark cannot withstand the purity of light’s truth It trembles and fears its death in the light Yet in the dark is where light is found Light and dark…
You see I find it too easy to appreciate the obvious reasons to enjoy your company. You’re beautiful in appearance. You’re complimentary to my ego. All very soothing and delightful to experience. What I’m most interested in and perhaps morbidly attracted to are the less appealing aspects of your personality.
This may all sound rather confusing and “what are you talking about?” Well, let’s just say as hard as you try to conceal these traits from me, I discover them. I’ll tell you how. I am interested, therefore I am paying attention. “Love is the quality of attention we pay to things.” J.D. McClatchy on the Contrast and Complementarity of Desire and Love I find it
I recognize myself in those “ugly” characteristics. If I feel like a piece of shit because I treat people I care for poorly, one would think, I could just stop doing that. Woah, not so fast, taking and getting feel really good and I don’t know how to stop. I am however left feeling hungry and worse than I did when I was contorting myself to appeal to your liking, or what I perceived that to be. Always looking for and finding those that admire my acrobatics for a time until they find I’m shvindl, a fraud a fake. And they would be correct. I am empathetic to these acts of self-hatred. I love that about you.
So what are we to do? I seemingly have no control over what I am enamored with for the time being. The only course now is how may we help each other. Surely trying to do this by myself will be a disaster. G_d will help and ultimately is the only source of Love that can remove these cravings and show me the way to divine generosity, by His example. No matter how much I pray for it, He will not just do it. I have to show some initiative. Start giving, helping without my saying to myself hey look at me I’m good. I must do it in praise and gratitude for His Love and Forgiveness of me.
I feel compelled to share a write up by Maria Popova from her Brainpickings publication, on one of my most favorite artists, Gibran, about his understanding of love…
The following gives me a window into how the depth of unfettered love can be allowed to unfold as we learn to love, not just a person but all parts of creation.
“Kahlil Gibran on the Courage to Weather the Uncertainties of Love
“Love is the quality of attention we pay to things,” poet J.D. McClatchy wrote in his beautiful meditation on the contrast and complementarity of love and desire. And what we choose to attend to — our fear or our faith, our woundedness or our devotion to healing — determines the quality of our love. How we navigate our oscillation between these inescapable polarities is governed by the degree of courage, openness, and vulnerability with which we are willing…
I often eavesdrop to random voices roaming in the air. Some leave bruises on my eyelids due to the frequent wiping of tears. They have a saddening picture. Others stimulate endless smiles. Some would like to remain unidentified. All in all, I love to narrate stories of the sad, happy and mysterious voices.