Faith in the Love that surrounds me

I can’t see it, touch it, smell it or hear it. I do know, however, that it is there. I can feel it if I am open and attentive to it. Love is infinite, unbounded and beyond description. I must, if I am to pass it on to those I encounter practice faith in it. Devote my entire being to it continually, perpetually. From that Love comes Forgiveness, Gratitude, Hope and Generosity

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Catalyst

Defined

Noun

A. (chemistry) a substance that initiates or accelerates a chemical reaction without itself being affected

B. something that causes an important event to happen

For purposes of this ramble, I am referring to definition B. I am reflecting on a particular event or series of circumstances that left me without any certainty. I found myself confused, almost distraught. I had believed that what someone had expressed to me was sincere and authentic. I remember specifically experiencing an intuitive thought, that this person is not what they insist they are. I’ll never know for sure as they are so deep into the charade that they believe the tales they’re telling. I knew though I was a goner.

Nothing is what it seems, solid stone turned to quicksand. Everything I reached out to hold, evaporated the moment I touched it. I was experiencing absolute anguish and despair. I had exhausted every natural remedy. I wanted something, anything to make it stop.

I miraculously was compelled by a source not of this earth to turn within. A degree of which had never been explored. By me anyway. Turned the devices off. I sat, lit candles and incense, and experienced absolute silence. Every spare moment of my, “me time”, after the kids went to bed. Was dedicated to delving deeper. I was determined to experience this completely.

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I found unconditional forgiveness, understanding and a love of myself and seemingly everyone I now encounter. I don’t do anything that is not motivated by self-interest. And neither does anybody else. If I can forgive myself for the worst I can be, because I’m human and develop another way to be. So can anybody, given the time and motivating set of circumstances. My catalyst was an encounter with another creature motivated by self-interest. And a lovely creature they are no better or worse than I.

Surrender

Hello, freaks! With my tongue planted firmly, where it belongs.

When I hold on, I’m left with nothing. If I let go everything is possible

On this glorious Palm Sunday morning, I am embarking on a trek through some principles I have embraced, due mostly, to the idea I was in control and knew exactly what had to happen, and how you were joining me whether you liked it or not.

Fortunately for me and everybody close to me, I didn’t die before I surrendered. I am finding as well, that I am in a continual state of surrender unless I am not, in which case I am in for some emotional pain.

According to Meriam Webster Surrender is defined thusly

Definition

1.  a: to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand surrendered the fort

b:  to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2.  a:  to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner

b:  to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

For the purposes of this discussion, I like #2 as it relates to my surrender to a feeling of separateness and my behavior trying to feel connected through portraying myself, as something, I am not and engaging in activities aimed at establishing a connection with others doing the same thing. Use of imagination and experience can allude to a vast range of erroneous endeavors here.

As soon as I surrender to that idea, I am able to be liberated to embrace my already established connection to the whole and that I was never really never separate from it.

 

Hey, you!

Image source: photo taken by me at- Minneapolis Institute of Art- The Animal Nature of Man- oil on canvas- Emerson Burkhart 1905-1969

Continued from Who Am I?

I: So, what say you?

Me: I have a question, who am I? or what am I?

I: Is there a difference?

Me: Well, I think so, who I am is the name I have been given, and go by and how I am identified. That is what others call me. What I am is a male of the species, homo sapien.

I: Is that all?

Me: No not at all, there is something else, beyond the physical body and all of its senses and perceptions.

I: Oh, this should be good.

Me: Well there is you.

I: What are you talking about? I am you!

Me: Exactly

To be continued

 

Who Am I?

Me: Wait, what?

I: You heard me

Me: Oh good grief not you again, who cares?

I: You do.

Me: Sure yeah, of course, but who else?

I: Why does that matter?

Me: Touche. So you’re asking me?

I: Yes and remember, I’ve got my eye on you, I am aware of you, what you, see, hear, taste, smell, what you do and why and what your reaction to all of it.

Me: You can do that?

I: Yes, answer the question, please.

Me: Do you need an answer, right now?

I: Take all the time you need.

Me: Whew, ok I’ll get back to you.

To be continued…

 

 

She led me to where I refused to go

Taking one step at a time, paying better attention than I ever have, the path chosen for me from before time. I am not on a typical hard fought rocky road to success by conventional standards, I have no interest in that. I want to help, aside from what I can remember of smoking a rock of good cocaine, nothing comes close to the feeling I get when I can help.

I have embarked upon this endeavor of sharing with all of you, my experiences in recovery from addiction/alcoholism. Starting with a brief bio and occasional snippets of important (to me)  slices of what’s happening at the time. As all or surely most of you know, one who blogs, reads blogs. I have had the great pleasure of stumbling upon the illustrious Nicole Lyons. I re-blogged one of her poems the very first time I read her.

Bleed me out on the side of the road

This poem hit me upside the head like a sledge hammer. Well, I thought little of it at that point as I am only a recent consumer of poetry and felt “something” there. After the last few days events have unfolded it is much clearer. It should make sense to you too. But not yet.

A few days pass and another one touches my soul.

And I Will Love You

I commented that this should be a monologue for myself. It could be for anyone it is one for the ages imho

Onward and upward, I read about her book Hush is available for pre-order. So I must have it, and order one. The book will be released April 18 I can’t wait.

Well now to the “good” part. I am going through, reading the blogs I follow, you know how you do, some you do on the reader if something jumps out and you just have to read the whole post. And others, the ones I really love, I seek out and read it from top to bottom, often more than once, and the comments too. Nicole’s is one of many I seek out and do just that, and Georgia too, Love her ❤

Yesterday was World Bipolar day and Nicole posted this

My Manic Mind- WBD – 2017

Woah! I had no fricking idea and she took me for one hell of a ride. One. I shall not soon forget. I am, at this point reminded that my sister suffered from Bipolar disorder and PTSD. It was the first I had read of it about Nicole. Here’s the kicker the next post where she excoriates those who are tired of hearing about mental illness.

Dear Ignorant People on World Bipolar Day

This is where I realized that Nicole inadvertently, had taken my hand through her heart- wrenching outpouring of emotion was leading me to meet my sister again.

L had taken her own life and wanted me to meet her here through the expression of another sufferer. So that I might have an inkling of and an understanding of what drove her to the relief she sought from this insidious affliction. My heart goes out to any and all who suffer and including those that surround and support them.

angelMinneapolis Institute of Art

I am deeply indebted to Nicole, and WordPress for paving the way for me to reunite with her. I remember seeing her sunbathing as an infant in her bassinette on the patio of my grandparents home in Harborview Hills, Corona del Mar CA

Please, there is no need, in my opinion, for you to be sorry. I miss her physical being but that is natural. We are all connected on a more real level that exists beyond this sentence. We have our roles to play here and need to get to know that place of pure love where we belong together.