There comes a time

To say Goodbye. The most intimate relationship of the human experience is the Mother/child. To experience the severance of that in the expiration of the physical body is in my humble experience, one of the greatest opportunities for personal growth, however, fraught with the full spectrum of emotion. Even with the benefit of advanced notice and preparation its’ impossible to anticipate how it will be responded to.

So now what? As I see and perceive the impact writing seems the natural thing to do. I can’t. Time to process and digest what has happened. The source that brought me into this world is gone now. I was her first. A celebration of her presence and impact will ensue, along with the tedious details that accompany the passing of loved ones.

It seems and everyone has said that she waited to let go until I arrived. Friday I arrived and came to her bed, clearly not comfortable she saw me and smiled and said “you made it”. My niece who has been giving care took leave to get some nourishment. I sat with her (Nana-Nancy), she wanted to go downstairs but could not move. I helped her to the edge of the bed where she attempted to stand several times and could not. There I held her and she fell asleep, which she had not done since 3 AM the morning before. It was then I accepted what was to come today.

Family and close friends were here over the weekend and paid their respects and we shared in camaraderie near the end. It was quite an occasion all day Saturday and night. She left us 1:50 Pacific time today. Remember those you care for and make sure they know you care. Goodbye Nana, I love you

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Night Falls

And the sun rises, such is our term here in this realm. Everybody will, at some time face the inevitable demise of a parent’s physical body. I have embraced and befriended the end of the life of my body and the death of loved ones. I seem to have been plagued or blessed with a unique take. I’m not sorry or sad.

It has come time for my mother to take her turn at the end of this life. I will be fortunate to be able to see her and be of service to her as her body and capacity fails to continue.

I will celebrate her life and make sure she knows the unfathomable impact she has made on me and the world through me. Life goes on.

Life goes on

She has instilled in me a positive attitude. I see the beauty, the possibilities, the love and opportunity in nearly every situation. She gave that to me and I can only wish to pass it on to everyone I encounter. Especially to my children.

I'm lucky
Emma and I

I am lucky to have healthy kids, it is also not lost on me that not everyone does and I’ll not take it for granted. I am the bow from which these are shot out into life to which they belong.

It’s also important to me to keep it light and maintain a sense of humor as The Mighty Jester is quite hilarious in His ways

keep it light

would give them chocolate covered espresso beans lol

I will be traveling to see her at the end of this week, please don’t be sorry I am not

We cannot fear that which we do not know, we only fear to lose what we know. I’m not losing anything. she has given me so much that I can’t comprehend what might be lost except her temporary presence here. She will always be with me.

Can you hear that?

Shhh, Be quiet and very still. It’s there a gnawing ache, scratching from within. A hunger, but that’s not quite it. A Longing, an emptiness, a vast pit of despair. If you’re honest, and I trust, that to be difficult, if not impossible, to admit.

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image source Google images

There is, though, a certain freedom in admitting that it is there. I have done the very thing to irradicate this agony. Use of any number of distractions in the form of substance abuse, activity, striving for status and adulation, etc. It all left me hollow and even more desperate. It has become my belief that this is in all of us, placed there by God, that we might seek Him and gain His Peace in the mere seeking.

 

_63794031_cappellasistina-creazionediadamo
Michelangelo’s Creation of David in the Sistine Chapel

There is a slight problem though, alone again with my humanity I can’t endure the shame of my imperfection next to His supremacy. I am saved though by Yeshua’s sacrifice. Today we celebrate that event, solemnly, reverently, searching for the release from that fault.

good-friday-austria
Good Friday

It is True to me

Thank you, Papa, for your Love ❤

I will Abide

“…you see, my desire for you is relentless and consumes me much of the time.

 I know not of what fills your day and the mystery only fuels my passion. The fact is, that I refrain from pestering you constantly, as I’m sure you have a full life as any person would,  may or may not be of any interest to you. The fact remains that I torture myself for you.”
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“if God and the relationship to God are left out, then this is not love, but a mutual and enchanting illusion. For only in love for God can one love in truth. To help another human being to love God is to love another person. And to be helped by another human being to love God is to be loved.” Soren Kierkegaard Provocations
peoney wet
touched by the rain
 “…You see because of where we are and what we’re each up to and my wanting you too much, and your human inadequacies and mine I am left only to seek that which is eternal when I want badly to gain from you which you can’t possibly provide. You help me to love God and in turn am being loved by you…”
“…I know it’s deep and may not have ever occurred to you or even is remotely comfortable for you to consider…”
soren-kierkegaard-watercolor-portrait-fabrizio-cassetta
Kierkegaard Painting – Soren Kierkegaard – Watercolor Portrait by Fabrizio Cassetta
 “But the one who loves says: I abide. Put the past out of the way; drown it in the forgiveness of the eternal by abiding in Love. Then the end is the beginning and there is no Break.” Soren Kierkegaard
…In love, your love J.”

That is why

“That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.”  Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now

From where do pain and unhappiness originate? Does it matter? It all dissolves at this moment. Here and now are all that matter, however reluctant I am to stay with this discomfort, I persevere in acknowledgment of what is and embrace the sensations. And so it goes back to wherever it came, as I bask in the true love I am surrounded by and come from.

Image source Minneapolis Institute of Art

competitive lover

Aprehensive

Since beginning my endeavor into writing, I have become interested in words, their meaning and origin. I have always been very literal and find this word curious.

Aprehensive

adjective
adjective: apprehensive
  1. 1.
    anxious or fearful that something bad or unpleasant will happen.
    “he felt apprehensive about going home”
    synonyms: anxiousworrieduneasynervousconcernedagitatedtenseafraidscaredfrightenedfearfulMore

    antonyms: confident
  2. 2.
    archaic literary
    relating to perception or understanding.
Personally, I find the archaic definition more appealing to my literal mind.
The ability to apprehend, grasp or comprehend an idea or concept. I don’t quite understand how the word became to mean something related to fear and anxiety.
Maybe someone out there can help me to understand.
Meanwhile here is more from my visit to MIA Minneapolis Insitute of Art
accompanied by my lovely daughters.
aww
Siblings, how can they love and be repulsed by each other simultaneously?

Cheesy right?

Have a seat

Have a seat

A grand location for the exhibition of expression

My #1

Firearms as art?…She’ll never forgive me, but after all isn’t it a parent’s job to embarrass their kids?

They will never know what it was like without a mobile device… It was so hard lols

Apprehending what love is and to experience it in all of its eternal facets

There you have it. You may now carry on as you were.

Until then if you please, enjoy a taste of mine.

 

Faith in the Love that surrounds me

I can’t see it, touch it, smell it or hear it. I do know, however, that it is there. I can feel it if I am open and attentive to it. Love is infinite, unbounded and beyond description. I must, if I am to pass it on to those I encounter practice faith in it. Devote my entire being to it continually, perpetually. From that Love comes Forgiveness, Gratitude, Hope and Generosity