What I Want

And to be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t the slightest idea. Sounds crazy right? Perhaps not so. I know I am dedicated to a life of service. I love to help. I am more likely to consider the wants and needs of others before my own. I consider this to be quite selfish really, a more refined form of selfishness, in the words of Anthony de Mello, selfish none the less.

monarch

My point is I really don’t know what I want. I have no interest in the societal convention of success. I have way more than I need, given a certain perspective of what most in this world survive on. I am writing this particular piece in hopes of fleshing out the desired outcome of this perfectly flawed human’s existence. As with all who have found a voice for themselves in the creative act of writing, I would love to be recognized as a competent author with a message of hope for humanity. A lofty aspiration, I know, it requires a great deal of tenacity, perseverance, and luck to be discovered, by those that can bring that dream to fruition. But that’ not all.

purple

I truly want a deeply meaningful, loving relationship with a woman that shares my values and will tolerate my peculiarities, human frailties, and appetites. As I consider this one, I’m reminded of when I was a young buck of 18 hanging out around a gas station in Newport Beach, people would stop in for directions and we, my friends and I, would get a kick out of telling them, “you can’t get there from here.” Or so it seems.

bouquet bunch of flowers flowers holding
Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

I trust and have faith that my Creator has a plan and it is better than I can now imagine. Our souls know each other, I may even know them in this realm, I may even be engaged in some interaction now, the future is murky, the magic 8 ball says, try again later.

I want to be grateful for and share what I have been so graciously given. Even if that is all, it is enough and that’s quite a lot. Would It be okay if I wanted a little more? Or am I being greedy?

lavender

More will be revealed, that much I know for sure.

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In Mr. Wayfarer’s dwelling unit.

A challenge from an admired author and one I consider an instructor in my endeavor to be better

https://fitfulfearfulphantasmal.wordpress.com/2018/07/24/in-mr-habtes-apartment-also-see-the-writers-challenge-after-this-story/

with your permission I’ve adopted your format

In Mr. Wayfarer’s dwelling unit

list of refuse found in Mr. Wayfarer’s trash

trash

1. antiquated notions of self doubt and anxiety about how he’s perceived
2. insistence that he be right
3. seeking immediate gratification
4. snap judgment
5. failure to recognize and embrace alternatives views about himself and others

list of items in Mr. Wayfarer’s toolbox

toolbox

1. impartial observation of himself
2. devotion of time dedicated to silence in solitude
3. reverence for something indescribable beyond himself
4. awareness of the violence and beauty of nature
5. attention to the dwelling of his soul, while serving his sentence here, and taking good care of it

list of items in Mr. Wayfarer’s closet

closet

1. deviant voyeuristic appetite and tendencies
2. classic liberal political preference
3. a shelf with items previously discarded, but saved for possible emergencies
4. revulsion to obvious deceit that cannot be admitted
5. self deception

 

What am I doing?

So, are you not surprised that I might be taking a close look at myself in relationships? As well as in other aspects of my life. What is important? Is who I am relating to and how I am, really appropriate and adding to life, loving-kindness, and compassion? Am I doing right by those with whom I am relating? Is my imagination running away with me?

is this me

Am I a turkey? Not literally, but am I being made a fool of, due to my trusting and solitary nature? It is time to attempt to figure it out. If the expressions are authentic and if so, am I regressing into mistrust, am I also a fool? It is said, “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is”. “Probably”? Then there is a remote chance? Though very unlikely, what’s the worst that could happen, they are really only hurting themselves.

in bloom

And if it is true and strong, this reflection in no way could hinder or harm that which will last. At least as long as things do in this place we call home for now. So I will seek stillness, even in motion, silence even in comotion and will be better for it as I emerge on the other side.

God Bless and I love you

What do you see

What do you see?

We’re not meant to do this Alone

We need to share our struggles and triumphs with others and participate in theirs. Contact with fellow sufferers in this realm is imperative, without human contact we wither and fade away.  I’m not suggesting that everyone needs the same amount by any means. It must be reciprocal though. I need to allow people to really know me, especially the worst of what I find in my observation of my self and my thinking. There is a great liberation in admitting to another your faults and listening to their feedback. When I admit the worst I can be I am free to act differently. That which we deny or fight is given power in our psyches. The result is any number of destructive behaviors.

Save you

My greatest enemy is myself alone with my fears. Which is, what I have come to learn, my resistance to what is and my consistent regret of the past and my stewing about the future. Now is where it’s at. There is no problem now, only opportunity. I can discern with assistance of others the appropriate responses to the needs at hand. The best option nearly always is getting out of my “Shit Stew” and find someone less fortunate than I that I can share what I have with. Helping others is the answer. I am provided for by the collective consciousness/God if you please. If I am generous with my attention life/the universe will manifest exactly what I need.

mother

I have found that what I was afraid to tell others about myself led to admiration and connection not ridicule and avoidance. These people opened up their lives to me and we share in this glorious life here together.

May it be as it should

I love!

What’s going on in there?

Inside your head, thinking, beliefs and behaviors. This is a perpetual exercise for me so I continue growing. If you’re standing still everything else is passing you by, consequently losing ground. Do you want to be better, have more to contribute? Can you be honest about that? I say YES! Well, then a rigorous self-examination is in order.

muck

What is found there will be of use or is worthy of elimination through admission to one’s self, God and another. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations and thank you! I don’t suggest what anyone should do, I merely tell you what I do. Please continue.

soren-kierkegaard-watercolor-portrait-fabrizio-cassetta
Kierkegaard Painting – Soren Kierkegaard – Watercolor Portrait by Fabrizio Cassetta

“Repentance must not only have its time but also its time of preparation. And herein lies the need of confession, the holy act that ought to be preceded by preparation. Just as a person changes his/her clothes for a celebration, so a person preparing for confession is inwardly changed. But if in the hour of one has not truly made up his/her mind (decision) he/she is still only distracted. He/she only see his/her faults with half an eye. When he/she talks it’s just talk-not a true confession. The all-knowing One does not get to know something about those who confess, rather those who confess find out something about themselves.” Soren Kierkegaard Provocations.

the unexamined life

So this sort of thing seems to be a universal truth, few, however, are fortunate to have experienced enough pain to consider, trying something new/old as it were.

Ineptitude

Today I was prompted by a new author I follow by his post A lonely thing- Quotes of the King

The take away for me was that I have manifested “ghosts and monsters” in my own persona from my resistance to serious consideration of my own ineptitude in relation to my creator Yahweh. To say it is uncomfortable to consider one’s flawed perfection severely understates the human condition.

Today we celebrate!

 

Death could not contain Him so we color eggs and discount what the real meaning is. This is, in my opinion, another example of avoidance of our true nature, inescapably human. I am relieved of my affliction through the admission of my sin (imperfection) and turning to Him as an example, through his teachings. From there the truly miraculous occurs. I begin to live a life free from regret, I can forgive, be generous without consideration of “what’s in it for me?” and gain tremendous gratitude for what I have, which is provided, I can proceed anxiety free believing that my needs will be provided for.

 

Just as the Flowers are beautifully arrayed and the birds don’t stockpile for another day, neither should I. Matthew 6:25-34 & Luke 12:22-32

God Bless you and thank you!

Great, so now what?

I have acknowledged my error in perception, forgiven the “perpetrator”, asked forgiveness and expressed an interest in making up for the infraction. My question is now what?

Well for starters, I can return to what is. That which is available right now always has been and always will be. I have to admit though it is not as easy as it might sound. My mind (Ego) keeps thinking and restlessness ensues. Constantly searching for the next big thing, a thrill, some form of satisfaction from out there, all the while, “it’s an Inside Job”

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Bringing my attention back to my body and where and when I am. It’s like a broken or scratched record. To break the habit of dwelling in my thoughts and the particular appetites that I want to feed, in lieu of residing in my being.

  1. Recognize and acknowledge what I am grateful for.
  2. Let those who matter, know that I appreciate them, no matter what I think they think.
  3. Be quiet and still for my own benefit. “put the oxygen mask on first, before helping others with theirs”
  4. Praise and thank God for all the blessings, strength and forgiveness He has given.
  5. Go in Peace

This is another repeat track but is so relevant, from the album title and song to the music Thank you, I will always love you