What am I doing?

So, are you not surprised that I might be taking a close look at myself in relationships? As well as in other aspects of my life. What is important? Is who I am relating to and how I am, really appropriate and adding to life, loving-kindness, and compassion? Am I doing right by those with whom I am relating? Is my imagination running away with me?

is this me

Am I a turkey? Not literally, but am I being made a fool of, due to my trusting and solitary nature? It is time to attempt to figure it out. If the expressions are authentic and if so, am I regressing into mistrust, am I also a fool? It is said, “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is”. “Probably”? Then there is a remote chance? Though very unlikely, what’s the worst that could happen, they are really only hurting themselves.

in bloom

And if it is true and strong, this reflection in no way could hinder or harm that which will last. At least as long as things do in this place we call home for now. So I will seek stillness, even in motion, silence even in comotion and will be better for it as I emerge on the other side.

God Bless and I love you

What do you see

What do you see?

There comes a time

To say Goodbye. The most intimate relationship of the human experience is the Mother/child. To experience the severance of that in the expiration of the physical body is in my humble experience, one of the greatest opportunities for personal growth, however, fraught with the full spectrum of emotion. Even with the benefit of advanced notice and preparation its’ impossible to anticipate how it will be responded to.

So now what? As I see and perceive the impact writing seems the natural thing to do. I can’t. Time to process and digest what has happened. The source that brought me into this world is gone now. I was her first. A celebration of her presence and impact will ensue, along with the tedious details that accompany the passing of loved ones.

It seems and everyone has said that she waited to let go until I arrived. Friday I arrived and came to her bed, clearly not comfortable she saw me and smiled and said “you made it”. My niece who has been giving care took leave to get some nourishment. I sat with her (Nana-Nancy), she wanted to go downstairs but could not move. I helped her to the edge of the bed where she attempted to stand several times and could not. There I held her and she fell asleep, which she had not done since 3 AM the morning before. It was then I accepted what was to come today.

Family and close friends were here over the weekend and paid their respects and we shared in camaraderie near the end. It was quite an occasion all day Saturday and night. She left us 1:50 Pacific time today. Remember those you care for and make sure they know you care. Goodbye Nana, I love you

I have no use for it.

As I feel the pain, anguish, and despair. I remain silent in solitude.

“But before we come to that which is unspeakable and unthinkable, the spirit hovers on the frontiers of language, wondering whether or not to stay on its own side of the border, in order to have something to bring back to other men. This is a test of those who wish to cross the frontier. If they are not ready to leave their own ideas and their own words behind them, they cannot travel further.” Thomas Merton No Man is an Island

pink

If I had not been broken to the point of utter despair, by the Grace of God. I would have no use for the forgiveness, comfort, and peace available to me from that source. God so loved me,  to allow me to attempt every avenue of escape from my true self and Him that I might, and did collide with reality.

Eagle
Bald Eagle

Now I can fly. Suffer the feelings, without want of escape from them. I can contemplate the peace I have been blessed with and radiate the love, the Perfect Love I can summon when chaos erupts. It is truly available to any and all that find a need for it.

bunch

Remember those for whom you care. Tell them what they mean to you and scatter your love and light, as that is the only solution to dispell Hate and Darkness

Suffering

I posted this as a reflection to my Instagram a year ago. I have migrated to this delightful world called WordPress. This is an excerpt from Thomas Merton’s autobiography Seven Storey Mountain.

thomas-merton-150x150

“Indeed, the truth that many people never understand,
until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid
suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and
more insignificant things begin to torture you, in
proportion to your fear of being hurt.
The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the
end, the one who suffers the most: and his suffering
comes to him from things so little and so trivial that
one can say it is no longer objective at all.
It is his own existence, his own being, that is at once
the subject and the source of his pain, and his very
existence and consciousness are his greatest torture.
This is another of the great perversions by which the
devil (Ego) uses our philosophies to turn our whole nature
inside out, and eviscerate all our capacities for good,
turning them against ourselves.”

I feel blessed to have been guided by Grace to endeavor to acknowledge and embrace my discomfort and “suffering” and have emerged on the other side the better for it.

“And now for something completely different” listen and be with whatever arises

 

 

She will be missed

It is a sad day, that we knew would come too soon. Stella aka Peep suffered from renal dysplasia. She only had less than 25% kidney function.

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you looking at me?

She was in a litter of 10 from a bitch rescued from Standing Rock Reservation

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First day at MSP off leash dog park

I’ll miss her. She was a good companion

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Christmas 2016

Please be the person your dog thinks you are

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Rawr

I’m in a state of shock and can’t sleep

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In Camo at the dog park
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Looking Pretty after a spa day with the groomer
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in her element, she loved the water and chasing birds

Goodbye Peep

She led me to where I refused to go

Taking one step at a time, paying better attention than I ever have, the path chosen for me from before time. I am not on a typical hard fought rocky road to success by conventional standards, I have no interest in that. I want to help, aside from what I can remember of smoking a rock of good cocaine, nothing comes close to the feeling I get when I can help.

I have embarked upon this endeavor of sharing with all of you, my experiences in recovery from addiction/alcoholism. Starting with a brief bio and occasional snippets of important (to me)  slices of what’s happening at the time. As all or surely most of you know, one who blogs, reads blogs. I have had the great pleasure of stumbling upon the illustrious Nicole Lyons. I re-blogged one of her poems the very first time I read her.

Bleed me out on the side of the road

This poem hit me upside the head like a sledge hammer. Well, I thought little of it at that point as I am only a recent consumer of poetry and felt “something” there. After the last few days events have unfolded it is much clearer. It should make sense to you too. But not yet.

A few days pass and another one touches my soul.

And I Will Love You

I commented that this should be a monologue for myself. It could be for anyone it is one for the ages imho

Onward and upward, I read about her book Hush is available for pre-order. So I must have it, and order one. The book will be released April 18 I can’t wait.

Well now to the “good” part. I am going through, reading the blogs I follow, you know how you do, some you do on the reader if something jumps out and you just have to read the whole post. And others, the ones I really love, I seek out and read it from top to bottom, often more than once, and the comments too. Nicole’s is one of many I seek out and do just that, and Georgia too, Love her ❤

Yesterday was World Bipolar day and Nicole posted this

My Manic Mind- WBD – 2017

Woah! I had no fricking idea and she took me for one hell of a ride. One. I shall not soon forget. I am, at this point reminded that my sister suffered from Bipolar disorder and PTSD. It was the first I had read of it about Nicole. Here’s the kicker the next post where she excoriates those who are tired of hearing about mental illness.

Dear Ignorant People on World Bipolar Day

This is where I realized that Nicole inadvertently, had taken my hand through her heart- wrenching outpouring of emotion was leading me to meet my sister again.

L had taken her own life and wanted me to meet her here through the expression of another sufferer. So that I might have an inkling of and an understanding of what drove her to the relief she sought from this insidious affliction. My heart goes out to any and all who suffer and including those that surround and support them.

angelMinneapolis Institute of Art

I am deeply indebted to Nicole, and WordPress for paving the way for me to reunite with her. I remember seeing her sunbathing as an infant in her bassinette on the patio of my grandparents home in Harborview Hills, Corona del Mar CA

Please, there is no need, in my opinion, for you to be sorry. I miss her physical being but that is natural. We are all connected on a more real level that exists beyond this sentence. We have our roles to play here and need to get to know that place of pure love where we belong together.