Mad desire for Desire and the Water of Life makes Love inflame
A thousand thousand fires and furnaces every second.
As my intention to serve G_d’s creatures and therefore Him grows. I am set upon a path of improving myself. Through trial and error, sorrow and joy, madness and serenity.
To experience fully and actively all that this existence offers. I hope for the days when at ultimate peace praising Him that I want of nothing more than to please my Beloved.
As awareness sharpens and failures and faults are exposed, I volunteer to enter the Refining Furnace of Love, and that all the slag rises and is discarded leaving the purest of Love a human is capable of giving.
Alas, here I am again, in anguish, insisting that I have things the way I would prefer. I even have the audacity to say this encounter has been blessed, that God approves of me choosing to seek divine Love from unreliable sources.
I do believe in a blessed human love, though I wonder why I’m consistently ignoring what is constantly right there. Perfect understanding, knowledge of all my weakness and limitless care for my well being.
Why must I hunger for something so elusive and prone to typical human frailty? The more it escapes my grasp, the more I crave. Am I addicted to such self-abuse? Evidently, as sad as that is to admit, I must increase my effort to realize His Love for me and to integrate the truth that, that is enough. From there I will begin to love myself enough to abstain from one-sided affairs.
Greetings friends and reading enthusiasts. I am at the crux of, order out of chaos or vice versa and have no wish to discern which. The following are a couple passages from recent reading that have struck me as profound, though why is still a mystery.
The hidden life of love, in its most inward depths, is unfathomable and still has a boundless relationship with the whole of existence. as the quiet lake is fed by the flow of hidden springs, which no eyes see, so a human being’s love is grounded in God’s love.
Soren Kierkegaard Provocations
Revelation induces complete but temporary suspension of doubt and fear. It reflects the original form of communication between God and his creations, involving the extremely personal sense of creation sometimes sought in physical relationships. Physical closeness cannot achieve it.
ACIM II. Revelation, Time and Miracles
Fantasy is a distorted form of vision. Fantasies of any kind are distortions because they always involve twisting perception into unreality. Actions that stem from distortions are literally the reactions of those who know not what they do. Fantasy is an attempt to control reality according to false needs. Twist reality in any way and you are perceiving destructively. Fantasies are a way of making false associations and attempting to obtain pleasure from them.
ACIM VII. Distortions of Miracle Impulses
So there you have it, take from it what you will and have a day that you create.
The take away for me was that I have manifested “ghosts and monsters” in my own persona from my resistance to serious consideration of my own ineptitude in relation to my creator Yahweh. To say it is uncomfortable to consider one’s flawed perfection severely understates the human condition.
Today we celebrate!
Death could not contain Him so we color eggs and discount what the real meaning is. This is, in my opinion, another example of avoidance of our true nature, inescapably human. I am relieved of my affliction through the admission of my sin (imperfection) and turning to Him as an example, through his teachings. From there the truly miraculous occurs. I begin to live a life free from regret, I can forgive, be generous without consideration of “what’s in it for me?” and gain tremendous gratitude for what I have, which is provided, I can proceed anxiety free believing that my needs will be provided for.
Shhh, Be quiet and very still. It’s there a gnawing ache, scratching from within. A hunger, but that’s not quite it. A Longing, an emptiness, a vast pit of despair. If you’re honest, and I trust, that to be difficult, if not impossible, to admit.
There is, though, a certain freedom in admitting that it is there. I have done the very thing to irradicate this agony. Use of any number of distractions in the form of substance abuse, activity, striving for status and adulation, etc. It all left me hollow and even more desperate. It has become my belief that this is in all of us, placed there by God, that we might seek Him and gain His Peace in the mere seeking.
There is a slight problem though, alone again with my humanity I can’t endure the shame of my imperfection next to His supremacy. I am saved though by Yeshua’s sacrifice. Today we celebrate that event, solemnly, reverently, searching for the release from that fault.
“…you see, my desire for you is relentless and consumes me much of the time.
I know not of what fills your day and the mystery only fuels my passion. The fact is, that I refrain from pestering you constantly, as I’m sure you have a full life as any person would, may or may not be of any interest to you. The fact remains that I torture myself for you.”
“if God and the relationship to God are left out, then this is not love, but a mutual and enchanting illusion. For only in love for God can one love in truth. To help another human being to love God is to love another person. And to be helped by another human being to love God is to be loved.” Soren Kierkegaard Provocations
“…You see because of where we are and what we’re each up to and my wanting you too much, and your human inadequacies and mine I am left only to seek that which is eternal when I want badly to gain from you which you can’t possibly provide. You help me to love God and in turn am being loved by you…”
“…I know it’s deep and may not have ever occurred to you or even is remotely comfortable for you to consider…”
“But the one who loves says: I abide. Put the past out of the way; drown it in the forgiveness of the eternal by abiding in Love. Then the end is the beginning and there is no Break.” Soren Kierkegaard
I have acknowledged my error in perception, forgiven the “perpetrator”, asked forgiveness and expressed an interest in making up for the infraction. My question is now what?
Well for starters, I can return to what is. That which is available right now always has been and always will be. I have to admit though it is not as easy as it might sound. My mind (Ego) keeps thinking and restlessness ensues. Constantly searching for the next big thing, a thrill, some form of satisfaction from out there, all the while, “it’s an Inside Job”
Bringing my attention back to my body and where and when I am. It’s like a broken or scratched record. To break the habit of dwelling in my thoughts and the particular appetites that I want to feed, in lieu of residing in my being.
Recognize and acknowledge what I am grateful for.
Let those who matter, know that I appreciate them, no matter what I think they think.
Be quiet and still for my own benefit. “put the oxygen mask on first, before helping others with theirs”
Praise and thank God for all the blessings, strength and forgiveness He has given.
Go in Peace
This is another repeat track but is so relevant, from the album title and song to the music Thank you, I will always love you
As much as it may seem or as much as I pretend to have gained through the ravages of active addiction and the process of recovering from it. I still feel like a pathetic fool and a fraud. There is something below in my psyche that tells me I have a price to pay and must suffer humiliating groveling for attention. That I don’t deserve to be treated better.
I have only experienced glimpses of peace, the kind that can neither be bought, sold or bargained for. I know what I should do but simply don’t. Holding out hope that things will change and it will all fall together blissfully.
Lord, I pray now that you strengthen the frail faith that I might truly rely on You wholly
I was blessed with a gift this afternoon. I was witness to this glorious creature providing for itself. Gliding ever so gently circling down toward the river’s surface and finally grabbing a meal like the fish just swam intentionally to become dinner.
I tried to capture the event but somethings are not meant to be and become treasured events that represent a turning point. The eagle does not worry about what it has done or what it deserves. He is merely provided for through being what he/she is.
A little while later I discovered this pair in an urban neighborhood proximate to the river. Moments like these make me realize how small I am in the greater scheme of things and that a smile and a kind gesture will go farther than any complaints I might have.
I know I’ve featured this one before but it is touching me now
Do not be too quick to assume that your enemy is an enemy of God just because he is your enemy. Perhaps he is your enemy precisely because he can find nothing in you that gives glory to God. Perhaps he fears you because he can find nothing in you of God’s love and God’s kindness and God’s patience and mercy and understanding of the weaknesses of people.
Do not be too quick to condemn people who no longer believe in God, for it is perhaps your own coldness and avarice, your mediocrity and materialism, your sensuality and selfishness that have killed their faith.
Or perhaps, for you, not so much. Today or I should say. Beginning late last night I went to Christmas midnight Mass. I felt led to participate in this blessed tradition and am not sure of why. I went embracing the mystery of it all.
I am not Catholic and am still mystified by all the gestures and rituals. I have found great value, though, in ritual. It has become the foundation for improving my life, from my however flawed, perspective. I did feel a bit out of place but welcome none the less.
I attended the celebration at The Cathedral of Saint Paul. What a magnificent place! I can only imagine what it must have been like in 1915 when the first liturgy was held on Palm Sunday, March 14th of that year. This is the biggest Church I have ever been in.
Nothing out of the expected occurred. There were carrols, prayers, readings from scripture, a homily by The Most Rev. Bernard A. Hebda, Arch Bishop of Saint Paul and Minneapolis. A profession of faith. The offering, and of course Communion. I did not take communion as I am not, or do not consider myself Catholic. I did, however, go up for a blessing Arms crossed over my chest.
I am still processing the occasion and take away these
All are invited
I am flawed and in need of forgiveness
I am forgiven in Christ’s Life, death, and Resurrection
His Spirit as God Lives in me
I am to give as I have been so graciously been given
Merry Christmas until then enjoy divinely inspired Rock Guitar