“Don’t look at me…

look at you. Until you find the divine within you will never see it in others. The divine is in us all.” But wait, I understand your skepticism. I too, have doubted and even mocked those who believe as I do now.

This story is a part of my pilgrimage of self discovery. The requisite despair that leads to surrender must be encountered and survived. I never could have without Papa’s hand on my shoulder and even at times He was carrying me like a baby in His arms.

person arm people hand
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The tale is as old as story telling, you see there was this girl…need I say more? Oh? I will say a bit more she told me she loved me and as the story goes, I found it to be untrue

so what to do? some may like to drown in sorrow, I made a decision though and chose to seek within. I recommend not going alone, a journey into the unknown is scary, however, rewarding!

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Sunrise

What I found there was His love for me, which gave me an example, the courage and belief to love myself. Having found that inside, I see it everywhere and in everything. In fact I understand that to allow others to mistake my kindness for weakness is really only harmful to them so that will be arrested as soon as it’s discovered.

So I can forgive the atrocious acts of troubled, lonely, power-hungry souls who’ve lost their way. They merely think they’re winning in this realm of time and miss the opportunity to experience truth and love in the eternal

 

Are you so certain?

I for one can admit that I am not. I would, however, like to be free to disagree and to offer an alternative idea, one perhaps that is ancient. Truth doesn’t change, no matter how it is ridiculed as hateful or simplistic. I am flawed and prone to mistakes, how else am I to learn?

I feel we all must be allowed to have the truth revealed to us that way. In our own time, which is wildly different for each one of us. Instead of an overbearing group of power-mad supposed representatives that are certain of what is best for the common good, and coerces me to act in a way defined by them. From my experience, the common good is best served by me acting for my own benefit through the discovery of a better me which has occurred from trial and error.

I am all for taking care of those that truly cannot help themselves. I am opposed to helping others that take advantage of the hard work of productive people in our society, through unaccountable programs created to help but cost more to administer than provide actual help to those that really need it.

Can men and women rule themselves? or must we assimilate into the Borg

 

I understand that is a grotesque oversimplification but is it too far-fetched? I think not. There is a not often revealed downside to collectivism, that being the “leaders” don’t have to do without as the masses must share all of their productivity to the collective. I am of the opinion that the state is subservient to the individual, not the other way around.

I believe that the “news” media have ruined their credibility, and it has become dependent on the audience they are preaching to. It is all agenda driven and we’ve been divided into extreme constituencies that are far from real. One must really dig to find the truth and may never find it. What if the masses realized that they could do more without the interference of the government. Then the politicians and corrupt media would become irrelevant, which is precisely why people are losing their minds. I am content to be uncertain and irrelevant so I am a threat to the collective.

Turn away from what you are rushing towards, embrace that which you are running from-Yourself

Do not Dwell therefore!

Upon what you perceive as injustice, it was not inflicted on you. Nor suffer from projecting what will be, depending on how your are situated, it is overly fantastic or excruciatingly painful.

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Now you have the choice to gather from where your inspiration is derived. Cast aside and forgive, make a clean break. For what you do Now will create an entirely more perfect or disastrous future. You decide, no one else does unless you allow it

woman stands on mountain over field under cloudy sky at sunrise
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Go! do! be!

What I Want

And to be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t the slightest idea. Sounds crazy right? Perhaps not so. I know I am dedicated to a life of service. I love to help. I am more likely to consider the wants and needs of others before my own. I consider this to be quite selfish really, a more refined form of selfishness, in the words of Anthony de Mello, selfish none the less.

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My point is I really don’t know what I want. I have no interest in the societal convention of success. I have way more than I need, given a certain perspective of what most in this world survive on. I am writing this particular piece in hopes of fleshing out the desired outcome of this perfectly flawed human’s existence. As with all who have found a voice for themselves in the creative act of writing, I would love to be recognized as a competent author with a message of hope for humanity. A lofty aspiration, I know, it requires a great deal of tenacity, perseverance, and luck to be discovered, by those that can bring that dream to fruition. But that’ not all.

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I truly want a deeply meaningful, loving relationship with a woman that shares my values and will tolerate my peculiarities, human frailties, and appetites. As I consider this one, I’m reminded of when I was a young buck of 18 hanging out around a gas station in Newport Beach, people would stop in for directions and we, my friends and I, would get a kick out of telling them, “you can’t get there from here.” Or so it seems.

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I trust and have faith that my Creator has a plan and it is better than I can now imagine. Our souls know each other, I may even know them in this realm, I may even be engaged in some interaction now, the future is murky, the magic 8 ball says, try again later.

I want to be grateful for and share what I have been so graciously given. Even if that is all, it is enough and that’s quite a lot. Would It be okay if I wanted a little more? Or am I being greedy?

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More will be revealed, that much I know for sure.

In Mr. Wayfarer’s dwelling unit.

A challenge from an admired author and one I consider an instructor in my endeavor to be better

https://fitfulfearfulphantasmal.wordpress.com/2018/07/24/in-mr-habtes-apartment-also-see-the-writers-challenge-after-this-story/

with your permission I’ve adopted your format

In Mr. Wayfarer’s dwelling unit

list of refuse found in Mr. Wayfarer’s trash

trash

1. antiquated notions of self doubt and anxiety about how he’s perceived
2. insistence that he be right
3. seeking immediate gratification
4. snap judgment
5. failure to recognize and embrace alternatives views about himself and others

list of items in Mr. Wayfarer’s toolbox

toolbox

1. impartial observation of himself
2. devotion of time dedicated to silence in solitude
3. reverence for something indescribable beyond himself
4. awareness of the violence and beauty of nature
5. attention to the dwelling of his soul, while serving his sentence here, and taking good care of it

list of items in Mr. Wayfarer’s closet

closet

1. deviant voyeuristic appetite and tendencies
2. classic liberal political preference
3. a shelf with items previously discarded, but saved for possible emergencies
4. revulsion to obvious deceit that cannot be admitted
5. self deception

 

So it goes…and goes…

Greetings friends and reading enthusiasts. I am at the crux of, order out of chaos or vice versa and have no wish to discern which. The following are a couple passages from recent reading that have struck me as profound, though why is still a mystery.

and goes

The hidden life of love, in its most inward depths, is unfathomable and still has a boundless relationship with the whole of existence. as the quiet lake is fed by the flow of hidden springs, which no eyes see, so a human being’s love is grounded in God’s love.

Soren Kierkegaard Provocations

distorted

Revelation induces complete but temporary suspension of doubt and fear. It reflects the original form of communication between God and his creations, involving the extremely personal sense of creation sometimes sought in physical relationships. Physical closeness cannot achieve it.

ACIM II. Revelation, Time and Miracles

Borius

Fantasy is a distorted form of vision. Fantasies of any kind are distortions because they always involve twisting perception into unreality. Actions that stem from distortions are literally the reactions of those who know not what they do. Fantasy is an attempt to control reality according to false needs. Twist reality in any way and you are perceiving destructively. Fantasies are a way of making false associations and attempting to obtain pleasure from them.

ACIM VII. Distortions of Miracle Impulses

The Enemy

So there you have it, take from it what you will and have a day that you create.

I love you.

Jeff

 

 

There comes a time

To say Goodbye. The most intimate relationship of the human experience is the Mother/child. To experience the severance of that in the expiration of the physical body is in my humble experience, one of the greatest opportunities for personal growth, however, fraught with the full spectrum of emotion. Even with the benefit of advanced notice and preparation its’ impossible to anticipate how it will be responded to.

So now what? As I see and perceive the impact writing seems the natural thing to do. I can’t. Time to process and digest what has happened. The source that brought me into this world is gone now. I was her first. A celebration of her presence and impact will ensue, along with the tedious details that accompany the passing of loved ones.

It seems and everyone has said that she waited to let go until I arrived. Friday I arrived and came to her bed, clearly not comfortable she saw me and smiled and said “you made it”. My niece who has been giving care took leave to get some nourishment. I sat with her (Nana-Nancy), she wanted to go downstairs but could not move. I helped her to the edge of the bed where she attempted to stand several times and could not. There I held her and she fell asleep, which she had not done since 3 AM the morning before. It was then I accepted what was to come today.

Family and close friends were here over the weekend and paid their respects and we shared in camaraderie near the end. It was quite an occasion all day Saturday and night. She left us 1:50 Pacific time today. Remember those you care for and make sure they know you care. Goodbye Nana, I love you