To be honest with you, I can’t put my finger on it. I’m fairly level headed, open-minded I am committed to improving myself. I still can’t shake the idea that I’ll be found to be unappealing, odd what have you. I am petrified at the thought of putting myself out there and opening myself up for disappointment and ridicule.
I like who I have become. I want to be counted on, to be thought about and anticipated. Perhaps, I should give myself more time. I’m still afraid.
In light of the disastrous nature of discourse in the headlines, I am struck with the poignancy of Thomas Merton’s words in this excerpt from No Man Is an Island written in 1955
“I cannot make good choices unless I develop a mature and prudent conscience that gives me an accurate account of my motives, my intentions, and my moral acts. The word to be stressed here is mature. An infant, not having a conscience, is guided in its “decisions” by the attitude of somebody else. The immature conscience is one that bases its judgments partly, or even entirely, on the way other people seem to be disposed toward its decisions. The good is what is admired or accepted by the people it lives with. The evil is what irritates or upsets them. Even when the immature conscience is not entirely dominated by people outside itself, it nevertheless acts only as a representative of some other conscience. The immature conscience is not its own master. It is merely the delegate of the conscience of another person, or of a group, or of a party, or of a social class, or of a nation, or of a race. Therefore, it does not make real moral decisions of its own, it simply parrots the decisions of others. It does not make judgments of its own, it merely “conforms” to the party line. It does not really have motives or intentions of its own. Or if it does, it wrecks them by twisting and rationalizing them to fit the intentions of another. That is not moral freedom. It makes true love impossible. For if I am to love truly and freely, I must be able to give something that is truly my own to another. If my heart does not first belong to me, how can I give it to another? It is not mine to give.”
Woah, just woah! Have I some growing up to do. Just a bit of nutrition I am consuming.
“Unselfish love that is poured out upon a selfish object does not bring perfect happiness: not because love requires a return or a reward for loving, but because it rests in the happiness of the beloved. And if the loved one receives love selfishly, the lover is not satisfied. He sees that his love has failed to make the beloved happy. It has not awakened his/her capacity for unselfish love.
Hence the paradox that unselfish love cannot rest perfectly except in a love that is perfectly reciprocated: because it knows that the only true peace is found in selfless love. Selfless love consents to be loved selflessly for the sake of the beloved. In so doing, it perfects itself.
The gift of love is the gift of power and the capacity to love, and therefore, to give love with full effect is also to receive it. So, love can only be given perfectly when it is also received.” Thomas Merton No Man Is an Island
Somehow I have intuitively known or felt this “truth” as Thomas Merton describes. I continually “fall on my sword” in relationship and expend good love after bad. I am helplessly attracted to women who are emotionally or physically unavailable. It is safer I guess.
1. Acknowledge the blog who nominated you and display the award.
2. Answer the 11 questions the blogger gives you.
3. Give 11 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 11 blogs.
5. Notify those blogs of the nomination.
6. Give them 11 questions to answer
Answers to questions asked
1. People invest time and energy into developing their career, their bodies and their relationships, but often neglect their spiritual dimension of their lives.How do you actively pursue spiritual growth?
My blog is essentially the answer to this. I operate a simple service oriented business. I pray meditate and read scripture and hang with like minded humans.
2. What is your concept of God? Do you view Him positively or negatively?
God is impossible to describe conceptually. The greatest obstacle to finding God is the word, God. I view God positively.
3. How do you deal with people in your life that you don’t like?
I don’t, lols I do my best to treat them with loving kindness at best and ignore them at worst.
4. What are you most afraid of?
That people would find out what I’m really like, a wretched frightened lying thief, doing my best to maintain a facade of living a decent human existence. (only partially true)
5. What makes you smile?
Watching Canada Geese stop traffic on a busy boulevard.
6. What’s is your main reason why you write or blog?
I began as a place to express myself in a journal of sorts detailing my journey. I hope now though, that my writing of my experience might help others.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight?
My current views of real love would make that impossible. It takes more than sight.
8. What inspires you?
Nature in all of its violence and beauty
9. What is your motivation in relationships, pleasing yourself or serving others?
The happiness of my beloved. There is no other way.
10. How you spend your free time?
Reading, writing, riding my bike, continuing to get stuff put away from moving.
11. What does your perfect day look like?
It’s happening right now
Facts about me
I’ll be 58 Next Friday
I’m divorced with 2 daughters (not living with me) 14, and 10 years old
I’ve only always just ended up doing what seemed the next thing to do professionally. Factory worker, Busboy/Bellman, Waiter, Navy deckhand, Ranch hand, Waiter, Cook, Culinary student, Chef, Baker, Pastry Chef, Property Appraiser, Unemployed, Construction Project Manager (Roofing) Property manager, Handyman. Self Employed Landscape maintenance.
The opposite of risk averse.
Covered with body hair except for my head, I’m nearly bald.
Shorts, tropical shirt and topsiders are my preferred uniform.
I have well over 50 tropical shirts, Reyn Spooner, Tommy Bahama and others
I’m beginning to find this difficult.
I love and live to serve God and others.
I found that mildly annoying…Just kidding.
Please forgive me as I do not respond well to recognition. I would like to think that it is humility, but is likely shame oriented. I don’t feel I know enough about any of the bloggers I follow to hazard making any nominations. I felt I should play along to the extent that I did but that is all.
I’ll soon be back to my tour through the principles I have aspired to incorporate into my being. In the meantime, I have been moving getting settled and working. I do landscape maintenance, which I am loving for a number of reasons. Number one on the list is that it’s outside. Two it is service oriented and the sights.
Being out among God’s creatures brings joy
I am very active and where most pay for gym membership, I get paid for my daily exercise. There are some frustrations though. Customers that think their lawn is less than 4″ when I can cut 40% off and it is still taller than 4″. People that try to get something on the cheap can never be satisfied.
All in life is great The new place is awesome laundry in the unit all amenities included, gas/electric, cable, and internet. Shopping and eating out within walking distance and a beautiful historic neighborhood. I will be continuing soon with principles. Thank all of you for following