Alas, here I am again, in anguish, insisting that I have things the way I would prefer. I even have the audacity to say this encounter has been blessed, that God approves of me choosing to seek divine Love from unreliable sources.
I do believe in a blessed human love, though I wonder why I’m consistently ignoring what is constantly right there. Perfect understanding, knowledge of all my weakness and limitless care for my well being.
Why must I hunger for something so elusive and prone to typical human frailty? The more it escapes my grasp, the more I crave. Am I addicted to such self-abuse? Evidently, as sad as that is to admit, I must increase my effort to realize His Love for me and to integrate the truth that, that is enough. From there I will begin to love myself enough to abstain from one-sided affairs.
You see I find it too easy to appreciate the obvious reasons to enjoy your company. You’re beautiful in appearance. You’re complimentary to my ego. All very soothing and delightful to experience. What I’m most interested in and perhaps morbidly attracted to are the less appealing aspects of your personality.
This may all sound rather confusing and “what are you talking about?” Well, let’s just say as hard as you try to conceal these traits from me, I discover them. I’ll tell you how. I am interested, therefore I am paying attention. “Love is the quality of attention we pay to things.” J.D. McClatchy on the Contrast and Complementarity of Desire and Love I find it
I recognize myself in those “ugly” characteristics. If I feel like a piece of shit because I treat people I care for poorly, one would think, I could just stop doing that. Woah, not so fast, taking and getting feel really good and I don’t know how to stop. I am however left feeling hungry and worse than I did when I was contorting myself to appeal to your liking, or what I perceived that to be. Always looking for and finding those that admire my acrobatics for a time until they find I’m shvindl, a fraud a fake. And they would be correct. I am empathetic to these acts of self-hatred. I love that about you.
So what are we to do? I seemingly have no control over what I am enamored with for the time being. The only course now is how may we help each other. Surely trying to do this by myself will be a disaster. G_d will help and ultimately is the only source of Love that can remove these cravings and show me the way to divine generosity, by His example. No matter how much I pray for it, He will not just do it. I have to show some initiative. Start giving, helping without my saying to myself hey look at me I’m good. I must do it in praise and gratitude for His Love and Forgiveness of me.
1. antiquated notions of self doubt and anxiety about how he’s perceived
2. insistence that he be right
3. seeking immediate gratification
4. snap judgment
5. failure to recognize and embrace alternatives views about himself and others
list of items in Mr. Wayfarer’s toolbox
1. impartial observation of himself
2. devotion of time dedicated to silence in solitude
3. reverence for something indescribable beyond himself
4. awareness of the violence and beauty of nature
5. attention to the dwelling of his soul, while serving his sentence here, and taking good care of it
list of items in Mr. Wayfarer’s closet
1. deviant voyeuristic appetite and tendencies
2. classic liberal political preference
3. a shelf with items previously discarded, but saved for possible emergencies
4. revulsion to obvious deceit that cannot be admitted
5. self deception
It is, however, not a secret. I don’t think it is widely known or cared for. The idea is from what I have read in various scripture and mystical writing is that it is as ancient as humanity itself. That idea is that we, all of us, are whole and perfect as we are at this moment.
I know what you must be thinking, no human is anywhere near perfect. We all have imperfections. I ask where is the standard? What was viewed as ideal 10, 20, 50, 100 or a thousand years, is far from what is considered ideal today.
Not to mention the inherent self-doubt and critique of our natural frailties. In addition, there may be those, who like me, I have engaged in a host of abhorrent behavior and the psychological dumpster fire that ensues. I’m sure some would be fine with how they are if not for advertising and marketing campaigns depicting the ideal lifestyle and endless list of things that no self-respecting earth dweller can live without, of course, dependent upon locality these change dramatically.
It is though, that very behavior and aftermath that led me to such despair that surrendering to and abiding by certain spiritual principles that have helped me to arrive at and discover the secret. The key for me was if I can’t be stimulated in some way and my seeming incessant craving for acknowledgment and approval, and the consequent nearly unbearable disappointment, that there must certainly be another way. And in fact, there is.
I am created perfectly by a creator that doesn’t make mistakes, though I’m sure many would argue that about many things until Yellowstone explodes again. My experience has been one that, I was led to embrace solitude and silence. I grew into an appreciation of the queues provided by nature.
I am at one with all and all are in me. The perception of our flaws are just that, perceived. I am just the way I am supposed to be to assume the role I am destined to fill. Please take a moment and consider the possibility that this is true if you know it not already. May God bless you.
So, are you not surprised that I might be taking a close look at myself in relationships? As well as in other aspects of my life. What is important? Is who I am relating to and how I am, really appropriate and adding to life, loving-kindness, and compassion? Am I doing right by those with whom I am relating? Is my imagination running away with me?
Am I a turkey? Not literally, but am I being made a fool of, due to my trusting and solitary nature? It is time to attempt to figure it out. If the expressions are authentic and if so, am I regressing into mistrust, am I also a fool? It is said, “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is”. “Probably”? Then there is a remote chance? Though very unlikely, what’s the worst that could happen, they are really only hurting themselves.
And if it is true and strong, this reflection in no way could hinder or harm that which will last. At least as long as things do in this place we call home for now. So I will seek stillness, even in motion, silence even in comotion and will be better for it as I emerge on the other side.
“A person who cares nothing for praise or blame knows great inward peace….Praise does not make you holier than you are, nor blame more wicked. You are exactly what you are, and cannot ever be any better or worse than that, in the eyes of God. Attend to what is really within you, then, and you will not care what others say of you. People look at externals, but God looks at the heart. They weigh actions; God knows your intent….To feel no need of human support and assurance is a mark of inward confidence – of those who truly walk with God in their hearts.”- Thomas À Kempis
I know it is nearly impossible to imagine, however, it’s like another quote I like to refer to “It’s better to aim for the stars and land on the moon than to aim for a mud puddle and hit it.”
wild yellow
Wishing all a blessed day and that your’s shall be just as it should.
I have acknowledged my error in perception, forgiven the “perpetrator”, asked forgiveness and expressed an interest in making up for the infraction. My question is now what?
Well for starters, I can return to what is. That which is available right now always has been and always will be. I have to admit though it is not as easy as it might sound. My mind (Ego) keeps thinking and restlessness ensues. Constantly searching for the next big thing, a thrill, some form of satisfaction from out there, all the while, “it’s an Inside Job”
Bringing my attention back to my body and where and when I am. It’s like a broken or scratched record. To break the habit of dwelling in my thoughts and the particular appetites that I want to feed, in lieu of residing in my being.
Recognize and acknowledge what I am grateful for.
Let those who matter, know that I appreciate them, no matter what I think they think.
Be quiet and still for my own benefit. “put the oxygen mask on first, before helping others with theirs”
Praise and thank God for all the blessings, strength and forgiveness He has given.
Go in Peace
This is another repeat track but is so relevant, from the album title and song to the music Thank you, I will always love you
I often eavesdrop to random voices roaming in the air. Some leave bruises on my eyelids due to the frequent wiping of tears. They have a saddening picture. Others stimulate endless smiles. Some would like to remain unidentified. All in all, I love to narrate stories of the sad, happy and mysterious voices.
