What I Want

And to be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t the slightest idea. Sounds crazy right? Perhaps not so. I know I am dedicated to a life of service. I love to help. I am more likely to consider the wants and needs of others before my own. I consider this to be quite selfish really, a more refined form of selfishness, in the words of Anthony de Mello, selfish none the less.

My point is I really don’t know what I want. I have no interest in the societal convention of success. I have way more than I need, given a certain perspective of what most in this world survive on. I am writing this particular piece in hopes of fleshing out the desired outcome of this perfectly flawed human’s existence. As with all who have found a voice for themselves in the creative act of writing, I would love to be recognized as a competent author with a message of hope for humanity. A lofty aspiration, I know, it requires a great deal of tenacity, perseverance, and luck to be discovered, by those that can bring that dream to fruition. But that’ not all.

I truly want a deeply meaningful, loving relationship with a woman that shares my values and will tolerate my peculiarities, human frailties, and appetites. As I consider this one, I’m reminded of when I was a young buck of 18 hanging out around a gas station in Newport Beach, people would stop in for directions and we, my friends and I, would get a kick out of telling them, “you can’t get there from here.” Or so it seems.

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I trust and have faith that my Creator has a plan and it is better than I can now imagine. Our souls know each other, I may even know them in this realm, I may even be engaged in some interaction now, the future is murky, the magic 8 ball says, try again later.

I want to be grateful for and share what I have been so graciously given. Even if that is all, it is enough and that’s quite a lot. Would It be okay if I wanted a little more? Or am I being greedy?

More will be revealed, that much I know for sure.

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I Know a Secret

It is, however, not a secret. I don’t think it is widely known or cared for. The idea is from what I have read in various scripture and mystical writing is that it is as ancient as humanity itself. That idea is that we, all of us, are whole and perfect as we are at this moment.

I know what you must be thinking, no human is anywhere near perfect. We all have imperfections. I ask where is the standard? What was viewed as ideal 10, 20, 50, 100 or a thousand years, is far from what is considered ideal today.

Not to mention the inherent self-doubt and critique of our natural frailties. In addition, there may be those, who like me, I have engaged in a host of abhorrent behavior and the psychological dumpster fire that ensues. I’m sure some would be fine with how they are if not for advertising and marketing campaigns depicting the ideal lifestyle and endless list of things that no self-respecting earth dweller can live without, of course, dependent upon locality these change dramatically.

It is though, that very behavior and aftermath that led me to such despair that surrendering to and abiding by certain spiritual principles that have helped me to arrive at and discover the secret. The key for me was if I can’t be stimulated in some way and my seeming incessant craving for acknowledgment and approval, and the consequent nearly unbearable disappointment, that there must certainly be another way. And in fact, there is.

I am created perfectly by a creator that doesn’t make mistakes, though I’m sure many would argue that about many things until Yellowstone explodes again. My experience has been one that, I was led to embrace solitude and silence. I grew into an appreciation of the queues provided by nature.

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0 fucks given

I am at one with all and all are in me. The perception of our flaws are just that, perceived. I am just the way I am supposed to be to assume the role I am destined to fill. Please take a moment and consider the possibility that this is true if you know it not already. May God bless you.

So it goes…and goes…

Greetings friends and reading enthusiasts. I am at the crux of, order out of chaos or vice versa and have no wish to discern which. The following are a couple passages from recent reading that have struck me as profound, though why is still a mystery.

The hidden life of love, in its most inward depths, is unfathomable and still has a boundless relationship with the whole of existence. as the quiet lake is fed by the flow of hidden springs, which no eyes see, so a human being’s love is grounded in God’s love.

Soren Kierkegaard Provocations

Revelation induces complete but temporary suspension of doubt and fear. It reflects the original form of communication between God and his creations, involving the extremely personal sense of creation sometimes sought in physical relationships. Physical closeness cannot achieve it.

ACIM II. Revelation, Time and Miracles

Fantasy is a distorted form of vision. Fantasies of any kind are distortions because they always involve twisting perception into unreality. Actions that stem from distortions are literally the reactions of those who know not what they do. Fantasy is an attempt to control reality according to false needs. Twist reality in any way and you are perceiving destructively. Fantasies are a way of making false associations and attempting to obtain pleasure from them.

ACIM VII. Distortions of Miracle Impulses

So there you have it, take from it what you will and have a day that you create.

I love you.

Jeff

 

 

What am I doing?

So, are you not surprised that I might be taking a close look at myself in relationships? As well as in other aspects of my life. What is important? Is who I am relating to and how I am, really appropriate and adding to life, loving-kindness, and compassion? Am I doing right by those with whom I am relating? Is my imagination running away with me?

Am I a turkey? Not literally, but am I being made a fool of, due to my trusting and solitary nature? It is time to attempt to figure it out. If the expressions are authentic and if so, am I regressing into mistrust, am I also a fool? It is said, “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is”. “Probably”? Then there is a remote chance? Though very unlikely, what’s the worst that could happen, they are really only hurting themselves.

And if it is true and strong, this reflection in no way could hinder or harm that which will last. At least as long as things do in this place we call home for now. So I will seek stillness, even in motion, silence even in comotion and will be better for it as I emerge on the other side.

God Bless and I love you

What do you see?

It’s not For Sale

As much as it may seem or as much as I pretend to have gained through the ravages of active addiction and the process of recovering from it. I still feel like a pathetic fool and a fraud. There is something below in my psyche that tells me I have a price to pay and must suffer humiliating groveling for attention. That I don’t deserve to be treated better.

I have only experienced glimpses of peace, the kind that can neither be bought, sold or bargained for. I know what I should do but simply don’t. Holding out hope that things will change and it will all fall together blissfully.

Lord, I pray now that you strengthen the frail faith that I might truly rely on You wholly

 

Soaring

I was blessed with a gift this afternoon. I was witness to this glorious creature providing for itself. Gliding ever so gently circling down toward the river’s surface and finally grabbing a meal like the fish just swam intentionally to become dinner.

I tried to capture the event but somethings are not meant to be and become treasured events that represent a turning point. The eagle does not worry about what it has done or what it deserves. He is merely provided for through being what he/she is.

A little while later I discovered this pair in an urban neighborhood proximate to the river. Moments like these make me realize how small I am in the greater scheme of things and that a smile and a kind gesture will go farther than any complaints I might have.

I know I’ve featured this one before but it is touching me now

Let the music here touch your soul

 

 

That is why

“That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.”  Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now

From where do pain and unhappiness originate? Does it matter? It all dissolves at this moment. Here and now are all that matter, however reluctant I am to stay with this discomfort, I persevere in acknowledgment of what is and embrace the sensations. And so it goes back to wherever it came, as I bask in the true love I am surrounded by and come from.

Image source Minneapolis Institute of Art

It is possible!

However hard it may be to fathom, one thing I must do above all else is to wholeheartedly accept what is. Eliminating or changing unhealthy ideas, behaviors or situations from my life are other options, but. I must accept that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be at this moment.

As soon as I can embrace this acceptance the natural flow of constant change allows natural joy to permeate my being.

 

Another season

Suffering is derived from resistance to what is.

Until then may your day be as it should be.

Collaboration at its finest