Change! It occurred to me that the header of my blog wasn’t quite right. I am changing things up to better reflect, what the primary focus is for my writing and, perhaps generate some interest.
Recovery is then possible!
This I believe, is, what it’s all about for me. In addition, I also think that all of us can benefit from the ideas and experience found in the recovering community. It is my contention that we’re all recovering from something, or should be. I have found that I concoct or have themes revealed to me in contemplation of what’s rattling around in my noggin. A reoccurring theme is an idea that from the beginning of my recovery to now, I have been enrolled in an intensive course in self-examination.
This however wasn’t possible while I was consumed with what I was chasing. Obsessed really. It wasn’t until I had exhausted every mechanism of self-preservation and driven to the point of suicide ideation that I was ready to be Done.
But wait there’s more, much more! There was, though I wasn’t capable of acknowledging it at the time, a divine intervention at play. As I have become more adept with honest self examination, I now realize that I was being led the whole time.
These are a few things present now as I contemplate how my perception has been altered, my “mind” had been changed, as the result of paying attention to what’s happening now.
The dazzling myriad of reflections of light reaching my eyes, exposing all that I can perceive with my natural vision. The noises that reach my ears, from the fan in my room, to the cars passing on the street below, and the bells from the church on the corner, summoning the faithful to services. The caw of the crow and the delightful song of the chickadee and sparrow. The aromas which reach my nose, the delicious meal being prepared in the unit adjacent to mine. The feel of the floor against my feet, the seat of the chair holding me up. Something else is present, that I can’t quite describe, a sense that hasn’t a name that I know, it’s not extrasensory. A spirit or soul sense, one that was calloused and could not be felt, due to my endeavor to have my more immediate cravings satisfied, or being consumed by crippling fear of things which have nothing to do with what’s happening now. It is at once a longing and supernatural peace.
Amazing Grace!
Very cool, Jeff! I like it! 🙂
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Thank you that means a great deal to me 🙏🏼😊
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Clearing up the clutter so self-examination can be done in this now spare space? IDK what your whole “story” is but I think that following you will perhaps enlighten me, if only a little, into my about-to-be ex’s addiction to alcohol and who knows what else. For me, the final catalyst in our breakup was what I perceived as his refusal to even consider self-examination along with the thought that if he doesn’t know why he thinks and acts the way he does then I certainly can’t.
Looking back, I also have the feeling that he didn’t share his thoughts or feelings with me, though I will give him the benefit of the doubt re his contention that he did and I just ignored or overlooked them. On the other hand, perhaps I overshared my thoughts and feelings (though in a committed and hopefully long term relationship I don’t know how that’s possible) and I do think he did his best to accept and acknowledge those.
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As understand myself from memory- I had zero interest in anything that didn’t relate directly to my selfish ends- making use of another and their compassion and generosity until all good will was incinerated- be gentle with yourself but firm- by allowing it to continue past your first opportunity to cut it off at the quick led to further pain and delayed a chance- it is really a path that is there to follow which is leading to growth
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Thanks, Jeff (right?) I’ll try
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Yes
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Beautifully written and you described many of our journey that are in recovery. It feels so good to live in the moment now and not be driven to madness to find something to provide relief. I am so thankful those days are over. Thank you for this post.
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You’re welcome and thank you, it is my only hope to be able to reach any and all who might be helped by the expression of my experience
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