Fractured Reality

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Imagine if you will a glitch in your character so horrendous, so appaling, so completely terrible that you can’t even conceive that is a part of the you that is delicately curated. It is hidden so deeply that without deliberate, careful examination would go un-attended to.

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What would the consequences be, of ignoring such a characteristic? I have good news and some bad. First the good news. I have read of and have experience with just such. I feel lucky to have summoned the courage to take a detailed look into my being and found it terribly UGLY! In so doing and left with no other option, aside from self-destruction. I wrote it all down. I then admitted it, confidentially to one who had my best interests at heart. I was liberated from it, I have encountered, embraced and accepted it as part of my perfectly flawed nature.

Shafts of Light

Now the bad news. More from what I have read and have experienced. If you can’t see it, refuse to look at it, deny its presence, it will gain power over you. Because you’re not conscious of this toxic trait, your reliance on the assurance that you’re flawless and are not capable of such reprehensible traits, you only seem to be able to find and point out the flaws in others. It consumes you, you’re obsessed with it. Thankfully to you, there are hoards of others so afflicted. So you commiserate with your tribe and come to the collective conclusion that perfection is the answer and set about righting the wrongs you perceive.

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Humanity, in my opinion isn’t capable of perfection, either individually or collectively. There is hope though which is the result of honest self-examination and admission of Sin. You are able to understand and accept it in others. If you refuse or fight it suffering ensues, name calling and finger pointing result, which doesn’t solve anything and really only makes you feel a teeny bit better.

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If you are okay with it and think that chaos, destruction, mayhem and death are needed to achieve your idea of utopia, I feel sorry for you and am praying for your awakening. I am merely suggesting that you’re responsible, not the one’s you’re blaming.

Published by jeffw5382

Stumbling spiritual pilgrim on my way from here to here. Recovered Addict, US Navy Veteran. Sharing my journey of self discovery, in the spirit of service, generosity and gratitude.

12 thoughts on “Fractured Reality

      1. A unique but maybe not so wonderful ‘slant’. Thanks , I should have followed my own advice – be careful what you ask for! LOL…
        P.S. my dear wife of 44 years is so Puritanical that she refuses to continue watching movies that employ the ‘f’ bomb. I’ve long since been desensitized, so my viewing experience no few boundaries.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. “…a not too savory story” AHH, but don’t we all, if sincere? I know of none perfect, but One. The dark trenches is where we discover the need for an alternative existence. Some deeper, darker than others, but those who naively refuse to see their own depths of darkness never come to appreciate the light. They may think they possess a similar reality, but at best they merely have appropriated someone else’s concepts and/or ideology.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Your thoughts here call to mind my relationship with my about-to-be-ex-spouse aka POSSOB (piece of s**t son-of-a-you-know-what). We were married for 30 years and and he was a functioning alcoholic for at least half of those. The more time passed the more afraid I became to try to talk to him at all. I think you might be familiar with this type of behavior.

    Now I know I am not perfect and would never purport to have been over the same time period. However, he did not bother to point that out to me, around a specific incident that really set me off in his direction (i.e popping open his first can of beer for the day at 930am) which led to the explosion of my pent up feelings of insecurity and inadequacy (also not that unusual for the spouse of an alcoholic) and ended with him “confessing” that he had “verbally abused” me, which of course I was used to by then.

    We have been apart now for over a year. The fact that he took it upon himself to initiate divorce proceedings 4 months ago (and 2 months after he’d agreed to continue to see a therapist which of course he didn’t do) says all I can think about re his perception of me. During this period I had told him I would be more than willing to go to marriage counseling to which he don’t recall that he ever responded or reacted. We haven’t spoken to each other verbally in that time because clearly I don’t know what to say that I haven’t already said. I’m still working on myself, trying to figure out what happened and not to place blame. I doubt he is doing anything similar as he has already joined a dating service and Weight Watchers. Come to think of it, I think this was his position vis-a-vis wife #2 when we started dating.

    Thanks for inspiring me to and letting me vent.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If he is like me, which it sounds like he is. I suffer from the disease of addiction/alcoholism/substance abuse disorder
      The use of substances is only a symptom of the spiritual malady underlying the attempt to quell the longing
      Therapy is helpful, but if our minds are not literally changed through a program of action there is, in my opinion, little hope for recovery-He has to be allowed to reach the point where he is really done, all notions of being able to drink like normal people has to be obliterated-It’s an excruciatingly painful process to be a party to. I’ll pray for both of you


  2. I agree and thank you for your prayers. I had a feeling you might have some personal words of wisdom for me.

    I fear it is too late to repair what’s broken between us and I have prayed for the better part of 25 years, though more so recently, that he would attempt to treat his underlying malady, or at least to understand how it effects him and those who care for him. He tells me he has returned to his church, an action I encouraged him to take over much of this period. I’m not sure I believe that he has or if he has that he will allow those around him to help him dig deeper into his own soul. If nothing else, though, maybe he is no longer hiding or funning away from his church’s missionaries, which is what he mostly used to do and have me cover for him. Come to think of it I might remember one time when he may have actually allowed them to do something like this, pray with/for him, which may have had a beneficial though temporary benefit in bringing some peace to his soul. At this point I can only wish him more than that.

    Liked by 1 person

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