As I am continuing down this path to better serve God’s will and my dedication to serving my fellows. I find in self examination, that I am confronted with a question, what is it I hope to gain or lose. Is it a feeling of being superior in my spiritual fitness? Maybe to be relieved from the remorse of the wretchedness I deeply feel from honest reflection in just being human.
Finding myself completely baffled at my ineptitude, I find some relief that this is in-fact a fortuitous starting point. To be absolutely empty and impotent to affect change upon how I naturally am. To enter into utter obscurity and a “Dark Night” in relation to my faith and my very being isn’t so much frightening as it is confounding.
It is here where I recollect the disconcerting, yet comforting unfathomable and pure mystery of entering into communion with Jesus and the Gift of The Holy Spirit. Participating in services, praying, reading scripture, all are indications or pointers to but not quite complete representations of the miracle that takes place within.
Any idea I have or concept that has been presented to me in my endeavor to find what “it is all about” leads to the same error which is I am finding “our faulty nature”. I am going out on a limb here but I count you all as fellow travelers and seekers of Truth and reason in these tumultuous times. The only thing that seems to work for me is a reverent observation of what is happening outside. The sky, the things growing and the creatures attending to their assigned roles.
I still have no idea what my role here is. I want terribly to help but find I make poor decisions when I want anything too much.
I need God’s help in attaining true humility as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, responding with love and kindness to all I am presented with and bear in mind that it is His will not mine.