My morning reading today prompted me to remember what I was like 18 some years ago when I was early into recovery from active addiction. A fellow blogger is on their way to inpatient treatment. A quote I read and posted elsewhere also pointed to how reluctant we can be, when it comes to being honest, with ourselves. My ability to be honest with myself goes as far as it does until I encounter, what I call, “the wall of bullshit”.
Over time though the wall moves, by grace, awareness, brought about by willingness.
In order for me to be willing, I have to comprehend the value in it. Meditation, mindfulness and reoccurring relationship issues have all pointed to and indicated areas where I have been and am reluctant, to be honest. Recently a serious, well more serious than ever, endeavor into the interior of my being has resulted in what I consider a miraculous change. I have been and, I assume will continue to be very uncomfortable when I get close to the unchanging self and see the natural man I am. Horrendously wretched, self-absorbed, frightened and fiercely protective. Thank God for becoming man so that I may be redeemed and can face Papa and know that I am loved by him so that I am free to Love me too.